In This Moment - I Give Up

It hurts too much. 

I had another "chemical loss" with my latest try with IVF.

The doctor says I'm doing everything right and that my body is responding well. The embryos for the last two IVF rounds must have been "bad". What does that even mean?

All I know is it is getting harder to breathe.

I am jealous, so jealous it physically hurts, of all the pregnant people in my life and of all the beautiful babies. I am envious and at the same time have tremendous guilt for my feelings. I am happy for all my friends and loved ones but it hurts too - it aches and I can't make it stop.

All I feel is despair over loss after loss.

My dreams just keep slipping through my fingers and it hurts more than I can take.

I can't stop crying this week. I cry alone. In my car. In the closet at work. In bed at night.

I was so hopeful this time around. I was believing in miracles. I was praying to my beautiful girls. I was believing in the magic of the season.

The last two Christmases I was pregnant and hopeful. This Christmas I am left empty.

I am nothing but a broken heart.

Unanswerable Question

School has been a bit all consuming as of late. Just before Thanksgiving I had my parent-teacher conferences. Most conferences went smoothly and a few were a bit stressful. Overall they were successful and I had positive interactions with parents. Two different parents asked me if I had children. I simply said "No, not yet." Both of the parents then responded that I would make a wonderful parent some day because I am so great with the Kindergarteners in my class.

This interaction made my heart happy and sad all at once. In answering that I didn't have children I felt I was denying my beautiful girls. However, it just didn't seem appropriate to answer that I have angel babies. I didn't want to make the parents uncomfortable and have to explain things and then make it awkward to continue the conference. 

I just don't have a good answer to that question that makes me comfortable. Any answer I give invites pain of some sort and I'd rather not make someone else uncomfortable in the process.

Can't Go Anywhere

I have been having a hard time lately. 

On Pinterest today I found this quote:

"That moment when you

can actually feel the pain

in your chest from seeing

or hearing something that

breaks your heart." 

On some days it doesn't take much. Today I was trying to run some errands, already having a heavy heart, and I saw twin baby girls in a double stroller. My heart broke in a million pieces right there.

I truly hate life right now.  The loss of my beautiful girls along with my struggles with infertility are too much to bear sometimes.

When people tell me that they aren't sure they'll have another baby because it's taking too long the second or third time around I always feel great sympathy. However, that feeling evaporates when "too long" means under six months. Really, that's a "long" time????? I know all things are relative and that it must feel like forever for people who are used to getting pregnant quickly, but it more than bugs me... these days it makes me angry. When people carelessly talk about how they'll never get pregnant again after they've already had one child quickly and it's taking more than a few months the second time - it is upsetting to me. I know it shouldn't upset me so much... but my heart strings are pretty taut right now and my emotions right along with them. I hope my plastic smile doesn't give away how I'm truly feeling.

Please

On a day like today I need to believe this...

The world keeps making it known to me that life is not fair. I get it. I more then get it. But I am no longer strong and I can't take any more so please... just stop.

Enough!

Over and over again I feel like I've reached my breaking point. Yet each new month brings more struggles and heartache.

I just tried IVF again and I had a "chemical loss".

Yet another close friend is pregnant with baby number two for as long as I have been trying to START my family! :( This makes six people in my life that have had or about to have their second child while I've been struggling, miscarrying, and losing my precious baby girls. 

I spent time with my ill grandmother this weekend and she is experiencing unbearable pain from her most recent surgery. She cried a lot and wondered out loud what she had done to deserve her pain. While the rational part of my brain knows this is a terrible and untrue line of thought I find myself wondering the same thing. What have I done in my life to make this so hard?

I am beyond words or tears tonight. The hole in my heart is a big one. I am done with positivity and I don't want to hear one more person tell me that it will happen or that I am meant to be a mother. No one knows that to be true.

I can't take any more loss yet I have to keep trying.

Six Months

Today, September 5, six months have passed since my little ones were born as angels.

I can’t believe I lost my beautiful girls six months ago. It doesn’t seem right that life just seems to keep marching on. Most of the time I feel like I am playing a part in a play. I keep hoping that one of these days life will feel real again.

So many songs hurt me now. But none more than when “Without You” (David Guetta featuring Usher) comes on the radio. If that seems like a weird song – it is – in a way.  There is a bit of a dance vibe to parts of the song – but the rest is slow and the lyrics hit home. My girls were born on a Monday night. I went home with empty arms and heart on Wednesday evening. Saturday morning was my girls’ funeral. I woke up before anyone else in the house and had to make a run out to CVS for pantyhose. As I drove home I turned on the radio and “Without You” came on. I cried like there was no tomorrow. I pulled in the garage and just sat there and sobbed along to the song.  I couldn’t believe this day was real. Was I really going to have to bury the girls I thought Brendan and I were going to get to raise and love and cherish all of our lives? 

“I can't win, I can't reign
I will never win this game
Without you, without you
I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you

I won't run, I won't fly
I will never make it by
Without you, without you
I can't rest, I can't fight
All I need is you and I,
Without you, without you

Can't erase, so I'll take blame
But I can't accept that we're estranged
Without you, without you
I can't quit now, this can't be right
I can't take one more sleepless night
Without you, without you

I won't soar, I won't climb
If you're not here, I'm paralyzed
Without you, without you
I can't look, I'm so blind
I lost my heart, I lost my mind
Without you, without you

I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you
Without... you”

After the song ended I did my best to pull myself together and walk into the house to officially get started on the day.

The few days I had been home from the hospital had not only been painful emotionally but also very painful physically. I hadn’t expected my milk to come in and that brought so much discomfort.  It also brought even more distress that my body was producing something for my babies that I couldn’t give them. My body had betrayed me in so many ways yet it slapped me in the face by producing milk. It wasn’t fair.

A very good friend loaned me her black maternity dress for the day of the funeral. I wore a pink scarf and pink heart earrings in honor of my little girls. I also bought an angel pin for my coat. It was a very cold, cold March day. I just wanted it to be over already. My parents and my one sister and her husband were staying with us. My husband’s parents and brother and sister-in-law joined us that morning and we all drove over. The cemetery is literally two streets away from our house. My husband’s best friend since childhood and his wife (my sweet friend who loaned me her dress) joined us there – they had done all the work to help us find the cemetery and funeral home when we were in the hospital.  

The Monsignor walked across the street from the Church and met us at the gravesite. Sitting there was the smallest white casket. Two lambs were pictured on the casket along with my girls’ names. Inside the casket I had asked the funeral director to place two small stuffed lambs with the girls. Two letters had also been placed inside that my husband and I had written.

As I stood there looking at the casket the service began. Tears started coming and then all I remember is barely being able to breathe or stand. My husband and my Mom propped me up on either side and my Dad rubbed my back. All I could do was cry and stare at that damn casket that held my girls instead of me. Why were my girls going into the ground instead of being inside me where they belonged? I barely remember a word of the service because I couldn’t stop heaving and couldn’t hear the Monsignor over my own ragged sobs. I tried to stop because I wanted to remember the words the Monsignor was saying. But I couldn’t. I could barely stand. Then it was over. Then I had to lay little pink roses on top of their casket and walk away. I had to leave them and know they were going into the cold hard ground. 

Giving birth to angels on the previous Monday was pain beyond what I can describe. However, I also experienced great love and wonder as I held my girls in my arms and looked over their beautiful features. Recognizing my husband and myself in them. Counting their tiny perfect fingers and toes. When I left the hospital without my girls two days later it was another awful pain. Knowing that wasn’t how it was supposed to be. But the actual funeral was the darkest and worst moments of losing my babies. I was leaving them in the ground. I was having to say good-bye.

All I can do is pray that I will be with them again someday in Heaven. I cannot wait to hold them in my arms again and tell them how much I love them. How much I have always loved them. I want to kiss their sweet cheeks and just snuggle them forever. I pray for that day more than I can ever begin to express. 

Mommy loves you, sweet angels. xxoo

Hurting

I have been away longer than I expected. I went away for a couple weeks and had a good vacation. Every day kept me very busy and right now those kinds of days are definitely the best. While I was away the original due date of my beautiful girls passed by. When I returned I wanted to do something special at their grave. However I have only been able to go once and I only stayed for a few minutes. I am overwhelmed with my grief and I am doing everything I can to keep it bottled up and not have it spill over. I am sick of being sad. I am sick of always being on the verge of tears. I love my girls more than I can say but sometimes I wish none of this had ever happened because living with the day to day sadness is tiring. I do have happy days. I am not trying to say I am never not happy because that isn't true. But the pain is always there and as much as I try to deny it I can't make it go away. I wish I could because I'm so tired of hurting.

What's Supposed to Be

I don't get to be a Mom. Not the kind of Mom I wanted to be. Even though my actual due date hasn't arrived, I probably would have had my girls by now. They should be here with me. In my arms. Crying. Smiling. Flailing. Grasping. Loving. 

I shouldn't be sleeping in late this summer. I'm supposed to be exhausted because I am up all night feeding two little baby girls. I'm supposed to be changing a million diapers. I'm supposed to be happy. I am supposed to be over-the-moon happy. I'm supposed to be going crazy figuring out all their different cries. I'm supposed to be taking pictures of the girls and Daddy sleeping together. I'm supposed to be putting on cute little outfits only to have to change them due to spit up or other fun surprises. I'm supposed to be calling my Mom over every little worry. I'm supposed to be annoying people on Facebook with how many pictures I am posting of my girls. I'm supposed to have a messy house. I'm supposed to have visitors ooohing and ahhhing over my girls. I'm supposed to be begging my girls to sleep at the same time for at least a few hours. I'm supposed to hug... cuddle... snuggle and love on my girls morning, noon and night. 

I don't get to be THAT kind of Mom.

Pretty in Pink

A while ago I ordered the beautiful photograph above from CarlyMarie, a photographer in Australia. She sufferred the loss of her son Christian in 2007 and in the ensuing years has felt called to help others who have lost their children. She has a website called CarlyMarie Project Heal. She is a talented photographer and writer and I am grateful to artists like her and D. Antonia Truesdale that share their gifts with the world and bring baby loss mothers comfort and hope for tomorrow.

I bring pink roses to my girls at the cemetery (just like the roses in the butterflies!) and I recently bought little pink butterflies to put in the ground at their site. My husband and I have begun talking about what kind of headstone we want for our girls. We are hopefully meeting with someone soon to discuss options and cost... I don't have a clue about anything in this area. Ideally I would love a pink granite headstone in the shape of a heart. I mostly think of my girls as my little lambs so hopefully I will be able to find lambs for the headstone to put next to their names somehow.

With school out for summer I am still managing to stay very busy. My husband is away for work so I am traveling with him and I also traveled home for a short visit with my family. My husband booked us a trip to California this summer so I am also just beginning to plan that. I am looking forward to this trip but also worried because my due date for the girls falls while we are away. Maybe it will be better to be away and busy on that day...

Hiding

I have had a lot of distractions lately. The biggest one being that it is the end of the school year and I am swamped with the seemingly never ending to do list before the last day of school arrives. 

I adore my class this year. Don't get me wrong, I love my students every year. But this class is different in that they are an extremely cohesive group of Kindergarteners. They are (for the most part) kind to each other, hard workers, good listeners and just plain cute and sweet. I work hard every year to build a solid classroom community in the first few months of school but this year it seemed to happen immediately. The students just click and work together very well. I have never been less stressed with a class in my whole eleven years of teaching!! When I got pregnant early in the school year I thought maybe I had been blessed with such an easygoing class because of my pregnancy. Now I know why I was really blessed with this class. My students and their parents supported me while I was in the hospital and out of school for a month and helped me daily when I returned. 

My End of the Year Celebration with my students is a big deal. We invite their parents and do a lot to prepare for the celebration. I make a slide show with the kids pictures from throughout the year and I record each students' voice sharing about their favorite part of Kindergarten. We also collect pictures of the parents and the students glue those pictures to a sun that is glued on a popsicle stick. The students sing "You are My Sunshine" to their parents while holding the suns. They are just too cute when they do this and it is my favorite part every year!! I then invite the parents to share something about their child that they are proud of from the past year. At the very end I always thank the parents for all they have done to support their child throughout the year. This year I had prepared a tiny speech to thank the parents for not only how they supported their children but for how they reached out to me during the most difficult period of my life. I really wanted them to know how they touched my heart and how much it meant to me that they showed how much they cared. When I started to thank them I immediately started to cry... and not just any cry, the ugly cry! I could not get out the words because every time I tried my face just contorted and I couldn't get anything out. I know they understood what I was trying to say and I was so grateful when all my students came running to hug me as I was crying. Being rushed by 25 kiddos gave me a "graceful" out to stop trying to talk when I obviously just couldn't verbalize what I wanted. It didn't help my emotions that my End of the Year Celebration was on the third month anniversary of the day I gave birth to my beautiful girls.

I am really sad to see this school year come to an end. I would have thought I'd be even more ready than usual to see the last day of school arrive. It seems like just one more loss to get through as I say goodbye to such an amazing and beautiful group of boys and girls. I always call my class a family and I've never meant it more than this year.

All this end of the year craziness has allowed me to hide from my daily pain with my girls. Not that I haven't been in pain - but I have been pushing it down and just trying to get through without addressing it... giving in to it... acknowledging it. 

I wonder how long I can keep hiding.

From the Grieving Mother's facebook page

Shattered

It is so hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I keep trying the whole "fake it until you make it" mantra... and sometimes I even fool myself for a couple days. Life feels normal. I am my old "happy" self and nothing is wrong. Except it isn't true. Everything is wrong. And I am so tired pretending like everything is fine when it isn't. I lost my girls. I am so desperately unhappy. And I know my pain isn't greater than anyone else's but on a night like tonight I just don't know what to do with it. It is so overwhelming. I can't believe this is my life right now. My worst nightmare actually happened. I was so close to my dream and it turned out so completely wrong. I am broken.

My heart is a million shattered pieces of pain.

I want my girls.

Roses

"...that which we call a rose

By any other name would smell as sweet." 

~Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

The first bloom on one of the two rose bushes that my best friends planted in memory of my beautiful girls. The rose first bloomed yesterday, on Mother's Day. Thank you my Mariah & Juliette!!! What a perfect gift you sent me!! XO XO

My wonderful hubby also surprised me with roses yesterday, along with a sweet card. He made me feel loved, special, and also recognized me as a Mom which meant the world to me. 

I love you, my husband!! XO

My broken heart cried many tears yesterday... sometimes they seem never ending. But loved ones lifted my spirits from morning until night. I received phone calls, texts, facebook messages and emails from family and friends - both old & new. Thank you to everyone who thought of me and recognized me as a Mommy yesterday. It's such a strange new world to navigate as I figure out how I fit in on a day like yesterday. I know for many of us that have angel babies we keep putting one foot in front of the other in order to honor our babies and to honor our future rainbows... and with every step I like to believe we are getting stronger.

Mother's Day

I hate today.

I hate it even more than I thought I would.

Mommy loves you Mariah & Juliette. Mommy loves you!

Blink of an Eye

I really thought this was going to be the best Mother's Day ever in my life... pregnant with my two girls. 

I was catching up on some television this week and on one of my shows they had the most beautiful baby girl. She was cooing and smiling and just so perfectly sweet. The tears just started flowing and I couldn't stop them. I've been around a few babies the last couple months and my heart always aches but this was the first time I cried just looking at a precious baby. What I wanted so much. What I thought would be mine.

Life changes in a blink of an eye... today I am trying to hold on to the words below and pray that they are true.

Never Ending

Sometimes I just want to scream "Will this ever end?!"

I received a phone message from Babies R Us a few weeks ago about my registry and at the time it was easiest to just quickly delete it and do my best to pretend I hadn't heard it. Unfortunately I received another phone message from Babies R Us today that stated they would be following up with me so I knew I had to call back to get them to stop calling. When I called the store the woman I spoke to was very sweet and extremely apologetic because she said I had to call a different number in order to delete my registry to stop any further phone calls. I wasn't too pleased about having to explain things again but I called the new number because I didn't seem to have any other choice. The person I spoke to this time was not so pleasant and I had to explain my situation twice because she said the connection wasn't great and couldn't make out what I said. I was quietly crying by the end of my explanation and I guess the poor woman didn't know how to deal with me so she just asked me for my registry information and then told me my account was deleted. That was that. I'm left feeling empty, devastated, and angry all over again... due to a stupid registry.

A recent episode of Glee introduced me to a song by Kelly Clarkson called CRY. The lyrics in the chorus share exactly what I am feeling today... 

"Is it over yet 

Can I open my eyes

Is this as hard as it gets 

Is this what it feels like to really cry

Cry"

Fourever

My breathtakingly beautiful "Fourever" piece came and I adore my precious little family.

The incredible love that Dana put into my sculpture touches my broken heart. As an artist and a person Dana comforts those of us who have experienced an unbearable loss.

I love my angel girls' delicate pink wings. I also love how they are holding hands... it hurts my heart and heals it at the same time.

This piece will always have a special place in my heart and home. Please check out D. Antonia Truesdale's store on Etsy and you may find something that speaks to your heart. The Midnight Orange


 

March for Babies

Yesterday morning I walked in my first March for Babies in Philadelphia. My husband and I marched with dear friends whose vibrant little boy came into the world at 26 weeks almost three years ago.  Their little boy marched/rode in a wagon with us during the four mile walk on a beautiful and sunny day. I was very proud and honored to be part of their team!

When we first arrived in front of the Art Museum my friend and I left the rest of the group to go register. As she filled out the paperwork I stood off to the side and became a little overwhelmed by the crowd and all the team t-shirts. I lost my breath a couple times... torn between sadness at many of the heart wrenching "In Memory" shirts and despairing over why I couldn't be part of the teams with the inspiring preemie survivors t-shirts. I desperately wanted to be part of my very own Mariah & Juliette miracle team... but that won't ever be and tears stung as my eyes as I tried to take deep breaths and focus on the amazing team I was part of for the day.

I am so glad there are so many organizations in our country to support worthy causes. My husband and I turned to the March of Dimes immediately after losing our daughters. We set up a fundraising page online as an option for our friends and loved ones to donate to in lieu of sending us flowers. We have been humbled by the amount of love and support we have received through the donations and hope our girls are proud of what we have done in their names.
Click here to see the March of Dimes Memorial Page for Mariah & Juliette!

Next year my husband and I plan to participate in the March for Babies again and have our very own "In Memory" team to honor our beautiful girls.

Hard to Believe

It's hard to believe that it's been two months (yesterday) since I ruptured and landed in the hospital. Some days it feels like such a lifetime ago. Life marches on whether I want it to or not. This week I have felt imbalanced as I walk a quiet tightrope of emotions. 

I want to turn back time... but only if I can change the ultimate outcome.

The Midnight Orange

Original sculpture by D. Antonia Truesdale

I absolutely adore an artist by the name of D. Antonia Truesdale. I came across her Etsy shop by chance in my constant perusing for comfort on the internet after the loss of my girls: http://www.etsy.com/shop/TheMidnightOrange  This artist also has a beautiful facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Midnight-Orange/105314011660  She creates original sculptures that touch my heart deeply. On her facebook page there are many albums of her pieces and I have spent a lot of time looking at them. Many speak to my grief while others give me hope for my future. Words can't describe how much her art has touched me so I wanted to share it on my blog. I have recently been lucky enough to order a piece from D. Antonia to call my own and when I receive it I will post a picture. Until then, please check out her store on Etsy and facebook to enjoy her inspiring and healing sculptures.

Tears

I was hoping a long nights sleep would ease me into Saturday and that my weekend would start off on a positive note. However this cloud of depression hanging over me is staying in place and the tears just keep coming. I visited the girls this afternoon and for the second time this week just sat there and cried. It's a beautiful day and right now I can't enjoy it. Instead I sat by the girls and wept that I would never enjoy a day like this with them. I felt this same way when I was at the shore the week following the girls' funeral. My husband and I had taken some time to be together and heal. An absolutely beautiful and warm day happened while we were there and we went for a walk on the boardwalk. It seemed like everyone had decided to take the day off and I was surrounded by Moms and babies in strollers. Halfway through the boardwalk it overwhelmed me and I had to walk off to the side and lean on the railing. My husband stood there with me and held me as I cried. I looked out on the ocean through my tears and my heart broke that I would never get to experience a beautiful day on the beach with my beautiful Mariah & Juliette. I was never going to see their reactions the first time their toes touched the sand or as the ocean lapped over their precious little feet. 

Days like today I look at the pictures of my girls and read my new favorite poems over and over. Words can never express my eternal gratitude to my sister who took pictures of my girls that I will cherish forever. The night I delivered Mariah & Juliette my sister captured their beautiful faces and tiny hands and toes. She also took many pictures of my husband and me holding our daughters. I treasure the one night I spent with my angels and I am incredibly lucky that my talented sister captured the brief time we spent together as a family here on earth.

There are so many touching poems that express grief as if it came from my own heart. Below are two of my very favorite poems I have found on many different sites.

A million times we've missed you

A million times we've cried

If love could have saved you

You would have never died

If we could have just one wish

A dream that could come true

We'd pray to God with all our hearts

For yesterday and YOU! 

They say there is a reason

They say that time will heal

But neither time nor reason

Will change the way I feel

For no one knows the heartache

That lies behind our smiles

No one knows how many times

We have broken down and cried

We want to tell you something

So there won't be any doubt

You're so wonderful to think of

But so hard to be without! 

My Heart Hurts

My heart hurts...

Last week and the weekend were pretty good for me. Not to say I didn't have some breakdowns - however, I was able to recover and still have decent days. Some of my dearest and closest friends came from great distances to visit over the weekend and they really lifted my spirits. They listened to me talk and looked through pictures of my girls. They also brought and planted two beautiful pink rose bushes in my backyard in remembrance of my girls. They made me feel loved and it felt good to share my experience with them. I count my blessings that I have such special friends that took time out of their busy lives to travel and be with me for a day.

Unfortunately, ever since my emotional break down on Monday I haven't been able to recover. My heart physically hurts. The weight of my sadness seems to be crushing me this week and I'm tired from the unending grief. It not only hurts my heart - it hurts my mind and my body. I want off of this roller coaster ride for a while. Last week I really felt like I had been moving forward and slowly inching up and having happy moments. I made it to the peak of the roller coaster when my friends were visiting. However it only took one small meeting at school to send me hurtling down the slope and now I can't find the energy to start traveling back up again. I'm tired and...

my heart hurts.

I Thought of You with Love Today

I am finding many poems, quotes and pictures online these days that speak to my heart. Below are two of my favorites...

I thought of you with love today,
but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday,
and days before that too.
I think of you in silence,
I often speak your name.
All I have are memories,
and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is a keepsake,
from which I'll never part.
God has you in his arms...
I have you in my heart.

Difficult Day

At some point I plan on blogging about my cherished girls' funeral but I think I will need some time before I can write about that painful day. We had the funeral within a week of losing my Mariah & Juliette and though I thought I had already lived through the most agonizing day of my life, saying goodbye to my girls and seeing their tiny casket was truly more than I could bear.

Today was a regular day at school and I always enjoy my students. Time truly flies when you teach Kindergarten because 25 five/six year olds really know how to keep you on your toes! However, after school I had a committee meeting along with a wonderful co-worker of mine who happens to be due close to the same time I was due. Prior to losing my girls this co-worker and I would check in with each other in the mornings and keep tabs on how we were feeling as we passed each other in the hallway. Ever since I returned to school she has respectfully kept her distance and though we have spoken and I still see her briefly in the hallways - we haven't spent any significant time together. As I went to the meeting I didn't think twice about seeing my co-worker at the meeting. However, when she walked in I lost my breath. She looked so cute in her maternity dress with her ever growing belly and a feeling of complete loss washed over me as I looked down at my own stomach which should be full and round with my girls. Instead I had nothing. I tried to stifle my feelings and focus on the meeting at hand but as the meeting went on I was feeling worse and worse. I could barely concentrate and as soon as the meeting was over I practically flew out of the room. I'm sure the other teachers wondered what my problem was because they all stayed behind and chatted. I ran to my classroom and threw my things together and left. I drove straight to the cemetery and cried the whole way there.

It didn't take long to get to my girls because I live close by my school and my girls are buried in a cemetery just down the street from my home. I got to their grave and dropped to my knees and sobbed. I sobbed because I wanted more than anything for my girls to still be inside me and not in the ground. I sobbed because I wanted my girls - I wanted to experience the joy of delivering them alive. I wanted hugs and kisses. I even sobbed at how I was never going to get to watch them go to Prom. This morning on the radio the DJs were talking about Prom and how expensive it is today. I listened to a Mom talking about her daughter and she had a catch in her throat as she talked about how she'd do anything to make her daughter have the most perfect Prom ever. I felt my chest constrict as I listened to that Mom this morning but I buried my sorrow and as I arrived to school I busied myself with the day ahead. However, now, kneeling by my girls I let it all out. I'm not sure how long I was there or how long I was doubled over in agony. I told my girls I was sorry - so sorry that my body didn't keep better care of them and keep them where they belonged. I told them I wanted them so much and I wished they were with me... something I tell them almost every time I visit. I love my girls and have many tokens I wear in remembrance of them that dear family and friends have given me. I treasure these necklaces and bracelets and am grateful to have them on as a constant recognition of my girls and that I will never forget them. They are always, ALWAYS, in my heart. But on a day like today nothing comforts me and I left my girls' grave site with empty arms and what feels like a forever broken heart.

My Little Lambs

I loved you before I knew you,
my little lambs.

I've wanted you always,
and dreamed of you awake and asleep.

You brought me over-the-moon joy,
and the love for all things pink.

Heart-shattering grief,
when you were born too soon.

I cherished holding you in my arms,
and longed to keep you safely cradled.

Mommy wanted you,
more than you ever got the chance to know.

I will love and miss you forever,
my little lambs.




Written with love to my girls.

Shattered Dreams

The magical week and a half since finding out I was having two precious little girls came to a crashing halt when my water broke while I was at school (I am a teacher) at twenty weeks. I didn't realize at the time that my water had broken but I knew something was wrong. I had been on my lunch break at school and had just used the bathroom when I experienced a rush of liquid. Thankfully two of my friends were still in the teacher’s lounge when I emerged from the bathroom and I sat down and asked if what had just happened to me had ever happened to either of them when they were pregnant. They remained very calm and asked me questions and told me I should probably call my doctor. As it was time to return to my class I was lucky that one of my friends immediately said she would take care of my students while I went to her empty classroom and called my doctor. After explaining to my doctor’s office what I experienced they told me to immediately get to the hospital triage. For the first time I really started to panic… I think before then I was convinced that this was just some weird pregnancy symptom. I immediately called my husband in tears and he told me he’d be right over. He is often out of town for work so it was a miracle that he was even home! He rushed over to my school within minutes and drove me to the hospital. In triage I experienced another rush of liquid – again immediately after using the bathroom. After doing two tests I was told that my water had broken. We were informed that I would most likely deliver my girls within the week and there was nothing they could do at this early stage to prevent it or do anything to save my girls. My husband held me as I cried at this devastating news. Just a week and a half prior I had a detailed ultrasound where I learned my babies were girls and that everything was perfect! I couldn’t believe this was happening to us! They gave us the option of inducing but I wasn’t showing signs of infection (a high risk for me due to the rupture) and both my girls had strong heartbeats so I didn’t feel that was an option for me. I was put on bed rest at the hospital and prayed for a miracle.

My Mom and one of my sisters were able to drive in from out of state that day and were with me in the hospital every day. My husband slept next to my hospital bed every night. I truly don’t know what I would have done without them!! Every day I had an ultrasound and saw Baby A’s fluid was decreasing but her heartbeat remained strong. Everything remained perfect with Baby B. One early morning we met with the high risk doctor. We were given the most likely negative outcomes (deliver within the week and lose both girls or somehow being able to keep the babies inside for a couple weeks but still delivering before they were viable) but we clung to the rare times that things have worked out. The best case scenario we were hoping for was being able to stay on bed rest and keep the babies inside until they were viable. A bad/good scenario was delivering the baby whose sac ruptured and somehow not delivering the second baby and keeping her inside until she was viable. We were told both those scenarios were extremely unlikely but there had been some documented cases. We had to believe that we could possibly become one of those rare but positive cases!! While in the hospital I had a lot of love coming my way. My closest friends were in touch by phone, emails and texts. Friends from school visited and sent me care packages to keep me busy while on bed rest. Even many of my students’ families sent me messages and gifts and planned to visit. Flowers filled my hospital room and my husband’s family and best friend were frequent visitors. My Mom and sister were with me from morning until night and helped the time pass more quickly by watching old favorite movies and spending time talking.

After only a few days of bed rest I went to the bathroom one night and started frantically yelling to my husband to get a nurse because the cord to one of my babies was hanging outside of me. They told me Baby A's cord had prolapsed and now I was at a much higher risk for infection. The doctor on call from my practice that night told me I should be induced immediately. I couldn't stop crying and I asked for some time. I called one of my good friends from college that is an OBGYN and she could hear the pain in my voice as I explained what happened. I passed the phone to one of the doctors in my room and she confirmed that I wasn’t showing signs of infection. When I told my friend I didn’t want to induce – that I wasn’t ready for that decision she told me I didn’t have to make that decision tonight. That as long as I wasn’t in danger myself that I could wait until morning to discuss things with my personal doctor who would be in the next morning. After I got off the phone the doctor on call came back in my room and again told me I should make the choice to induce. Through my tears I refused to be induced as long as my babies had heartbeats. The doctor showed her disappointment in my decision and told me that my friend was not acting as a Doctor in giving me her advice and was instead only acting as a friend. I’ve never been so upset but I still refused. My husband was strong for me and held me while I cried and supported me as we stepped further into our nightmare. That night I was taken to the labor wing because they thought I was in the beginning stages of labor. They have a special room for women in such bad situations and I even had my own private waiting room. My Mom and sister slept in the waiting room that night because they were so worried for the girls and me. I don’t remember sleeping a wink that night. All I did was rub my belly and tell the girls “Mommy loves you – Mommy loves you!” over and over and over. I begged the girls to stay with me and silently wept throughout the night because I wanted the girls so much and I didn’t want them to leave me.

My doctor came to me the next morning. She agreed with her colleague that it was probably best that I be induced for my own health – but she also said that I needed to make the decision I was most comfortable with and she would support me as long as I wasn’t showing any signs of an infection. She also set up a meeting for me with the high risk doctor. The high risk doctor agreed with me and said that as long as I didn't have an infection we could wait things out and see how they progressed. He also informed us that if my Baby A were to die in the womb due to her lack of amniotic fluid and problems ensuing from her prolapsed cord that they would clamp the cord and see if they could save Baby B if that is what I wanted. No… what I WANTED was to have both my babies healthy and to stay safe inside me where they belonged!! But obviously that was almost guaranteed not to happen anymore and I said I wanted everything done to save my babies if they could. So my personal doctor agreed for me to stay on complete bed rest and that they would move forward with the high risk doctor’s plan if Baby A didn’t make it. The next few days were a struggle. I was continually reminded that as soon as I showed signs of infection that I would be immediately induced. I prayed every day for a miracle. My husband, Mom and sister did everything they could to keep my mind occupied during the next few agonizing days. My Dad and brother-in-law came to town during this time and my husband’s family continued to come daily as well. My nurses that took care of me while I was in the hospital were amazing. I had a special connection with a nurse Grace who had taken care of me for a couple days when I was in the other wing on bed rest. She switched with someone to come take care of me in my new wing. She kept my spirits up and remained positive for me. She, along with my family, took such good care of me and made sure I was drinking enough fluids and eating at least a little bit because I didn’t have much of an appetite during that time. One day Grace even brought us Holy Water she had brought back from Our Lady of Knock Shrine in Ireland. She told my husband and me to bless ourselves and our babies. One night during this time my husband and I made a decision about our girls’ names. We had already picked out two names for our girls but for some reason they just didn’t seem to fit anymore. He picked Mariah (a variation of Mary since he wanted to honor the Virgin Mary) for Baby A, our little fighter who continued hanging on with a strong heartbeat despite her lack of fluid and prolapsed cord! I then picked Juliette for Baby B after an inspirational family member who was a social activist during the Civil Rights Movement. That night we stayed up listening to inspirational music and silently prayed for a miracle for our girls whom we already loved so much.

The cord hanging out of me was so strange, but at the same time it created a unique connection between Mariah and me. Every time the cord moved I knew it meant my Mariah was moving and that she was continuing to stay strong. For two days I felt her moving for the first time inside of me along with the cord moving. However, just a few days later I woke up one morning and knew immediately something was wrong. The cord was no longer moving or spongy looking – instead it was totally limp and had no color. When they did the ultrasound they confirmed that my brave little fighter's heart had stopped. I was beyond heartbroken and my husband and I held each other as we mourned the loss of our little girl. The doctors then did the procedure where they clamped her cord and cut off the part that had been hanging outside of my body. I then had to pray that my body would somehow keep Mariah inside for a few weeks to give my Juliette a chance for survival. That night I felt Juliette moving inside and my husband felt her move under his hand for the first time. In the midst of our nightmare we had a moment of pure happiness!

The next morning I woke up and again knew something was wrong. I didn't feel well and started experiencing chills and my first real contractions started. As long as my fever didn't reach a certain temp the doctors wouldn't induce me and maybe my body would deliver Mariah but keep Juliette inside. I struggled the whole day but deteriorated physically. I was so scared but determined to do my best to stay calm and somehow stop this from happening. I asked my nurse if there was anyone to meditate with me because I never had before and didn’t know what to do. She sent a nurse to perform Reiki with me and it definitely helped me stay calm for the half hour she was with me. She put in a classical CD that definitely helped me remain calm even after she left. The pain medication they had going through my IV gave me such a terrible migraine that I just wanted to cry. My nurse that day was amazingly supportive and massaged my temples for a long time and as long as she was touching my head I felt better. I got weaker and weaker to the point where I couldn’t even rise from my bed without assistance. As the day slid into evening my contractions were painful and my temp escalated. Throughout the day my husband stayed with me and I periodically had my Mom in with me and she just sat on my bed massaging my hands and arms. My temp finally spiked and the doctors did blood work and they said I definitely had an infection. My doctor sat down on my bed and told me they could no longer wait for me to deliver naturally anymore because I was now at significant risk. They couldn’t give me an epidural due to my high white blood count and fever. They gave me a low dose of Pitocin and my doctor just sat on the bed with me while I pushed Mariah out. She was so tiny and the infection and lack of fluid had wreaked havoc on her little body but she was still breathtakingly beautiful!! She even had my long and skinny nose. She came out with her arms crossed over her tiny chest – her delicate hands touching her shoulders. My little fighter… now my precious angel. My heart was broken but I couldn't stop smiling at my beautiful little girl. My husband and I took turns holding her and my sister, who is a photographer, came in and took some pictures for us.

The doctors immediately stopped the Pitocin to see if my body would keep my Juliette inside. I tried to calm my nerves but I was continually getting sick and unfortunately I started to feel pain again. Juliette's water broke not too much later and my fever remained high... so the doctors said they had no choice but to give me another low dose of Pitocin to speed things along. I then gave birth to my perfect Juliette who came ever so quietly into the world. It broke my heart to see her perfect little body and what should have been had I been further along in my pregnancy. If I had just been a few more weeks along this baby of mine might have had a chance. My sweet angel looked like she was just sleeping and she had the same features as my husband! Everything about her was perfect and she had one hand by her head... I couldn't stop touching her tiny fingers and toes. My heart ached with how perfect she was and again I smiled at my beautiful baby girl. We took pictures with our girls and my husband and I treasured every moment they were in our arms. I never wanted to let them go.

My heart cries every day for my girls. I love and wanted them so much. I don't understand why I didn't get to keep them here on Earth. I will love my angel babies forever and I hope they know how much their Mommy loves them. XOXOXO