Shattered Dreams

The magical week and a half since finding out I was having two precious little girls came to a crashing halt when my water broke while I was at school (I am a teacher) at twenty weeks. I didn't realize at the time that my water had broken but I knew something was wrong. I had been on my lunch break at school and had just used the bathroom when I experienced a rush of liquid. Thankfully two of my friends were still in the teacher’s lounge when I emerged from the bathroom and I sat down and asked if what had just happened to me had ever happened to either of them when they were pregnant. They remained very calm and asked me questions and told me I should probably call my doctor. As it was time to return to my class I was lucky that one of my friends immediately said she would take care of my students while I went to her empty classroom and called my doctor. After explaining to my doctor’s office what I experienced they told me to immediately get to the hospital triage. For the first time I really started to panic… I think before then I was convinced that this was just some weird pregnancy symptom. I immediately called my husband in tears and he told me he’d be right over. He is often out of town for work so it was a miracle that he was even home! He rushed over to my school within minutes and drove me to the hospital. In triage I experienced another rush of liquid – again immediately after using the bathroom. After doing two tests I was told that my water had broken. We were informed that I would most likely deliver my girls within the week and there was nothing they could do at this early stage to prevent it or do anything to save my girls. My husband held me as I cried at this devastating news. Just a week and a half prior I had a detailed ultrasound where I learned my babies were girls and that everything was perfect! I couldn’t believe this was happening to us! They gave us the option of inducing but I wasn’t showing signs of infection (a high risk for me due to the rupture) and both my girls had strong heartbeats so I didn’t feel that was an option for me. I was put on bed rest at the hospital and prayed for a miracle.

My Mom and one of my sisters were able to drive in from out of state that day and were with me in the hospital every day. My husband slept next to my hospital bed every night. I truly don’t know what I would have done without them!! Every day I had an ultrasound and saw Baby A’s fluid was decreasing but her heartbeat remained strong. Everything remained perfect with Baby B. One early morning we met with the high risk doctor. We were given the most likely negative outcomes (deliver within the week and lose both girls or somehow being able to keep the babies inside for a couple weeks but still delivering before they were viable) but we clung to the rare times that things have worked out. The best case scenario we were hoping for was being able to stay on bed rest and keep the babies inside until they were viable. A bad/good scenario was delivering the baby whose sac ruptured and somehow not delivering the second baby and keeping her inside until she was viable. We were told both those scenarios were extremely unlikely but there had been some documented cases. We had to believe that we could possibly become one of those rare but positive cases!! While in the hospital I had a lot of love coming my way. My closest friends were in touch by phone, emails and texts. Friends from school visited and sent me care packages to keep me busy while on bed rest. Even many of my students’ families sent me messages and gifts and planned to visit. Flowers filled my hospital room and my husband’s family and best friend were frequent visitors. My Mom and sister were with me from morning until night and helped the time pass more quickly by watching old favorite movies and spending time talking.

After only a few days of bed rest I went to the bathroom one night and started frantically yelling to my husband to get a nurse because the cord to one of my babies was hanging outside of me. They told me Baby A's cord had prolapsed and now I was at a much higher risk for infection. The doctor on call from my practice that night told me I should be induced immediately. I couldn't stop crying and I asked for some time. I called one of my good friends from college that is an OBGYN and she could hear the pain in my voice as I explained what happened. I passed the phone to one of the doctors in my room and she confirmed that I wasn’t showing signs of infection. When I told my friend I didn’t want to induce – that I wasn’t ready for that decision she told me I didn’t have to make that decision tonight. That as long as I wasn’t in danger myself that I could wait until morning to discuss things with my personal doctor who would be in the next morning. After I got off the phone the doctor on call came back in my room and again told me I should make the choice to induce. Through my tears I refused to be induced as long as my babies had heartbeats. The doctor showed her disappointment in my decision and told me that my friend was not acting as a Doctor in giving me her advice and was instead only acting as a friend. I’ve never been so upset but I still refused. My husband was strong for me and held me while I cried and supported me as we stepped further into our nightmare. That night I was taken to the labor wing because they thought I was in the beginning stages of labor. They have a special room for women in such bad situations and I even had my own private waiting room. My Mom and sister slept in the waiting room that night because they were so worried for the girls and me. I don’t remember sleeping a wink that night. All I did was rub my belly and tell the girls “Mommy loves you – Mommy loves you!” over and over and over. I begged the girls to stay with me and silently wept throughout the night because I wanted the girls so much and I didn’t want them to leave me.

My doctor came to me the next morning. She agreed with her colleague that it was probably best that I be induced for my own health – but she also said that I needed to make the decision I was most comfortable with and she would support me as long as I wasn’t showing any signs of an infection. She also set up a meeting for me with the high risk doctor. The high risk doctor agreed with me and said that as long as I didn't have an infection we could wait things out and see how they progressed. He also informed us that if my Baby A were to die in the womb due to her lack of amniotic fluid and problems ensuing from her prolapsed cord that they would clamp the cord and see if they could save Baby B if that is what I wanted. No… what I WANTED was to have both my babies healthy and to stay safe inside me where they belonged!! But obviously that was almost guaranteed not to happen anymore and I said I wanted everything done to save my babies if they could. So my personal doctor agreed for me to stay on complete bed rest and that they would move forward with the high risk doctor’s plan if Baby A didn’t make it. The next few days were a struggle. I was continually reminded that as soon as I showed signs of infection that I would be immediately induced. I prayed every day for a miracle. My husband, Mom and sister did everything they could to keep my mind occupied during the next few agonizing days. My Dad and brother-in-law came to town during this time and my husband’s family continued to come daily as well. My nurses that took care of me while I was in the hospital were amazing. I had a special connection with a nurse Grace who had taken care of me for a couple days when I was in the other wing on bed rest. She switched with someone to come take care of me in my new wing. She kept my spirits up and remained positive for me. She, along with my family, took such good care of me and made sure I was drinking enough fluids and eating at least a little bit because I didn’t have much of an appetite during that time. One day Grace even brought us Holy Water she had brought back from Our Lady of Knock Shrine in Ireland. She told my husband and me to bless ourselves and our babies. One night during this time my husband and I made a decision about our girls’ names. We had already picked out two names for our girls but for some reason they just didn’t seem to fit anymore. He picked Mariah (a variation of Mary since he wanted to honor the Virgin Mary) for Baby A, our little fighter who continued hanging on with a strong heartbeat despite her lack of fluid and prolapsed cord! I then picked Juliette for Baby B after an inspirational family member who was a social activist during the Civil Rights Movement. That night we stayed up listening to inspirational music and silently prayed for a miracle for our girls whom we already loved so much.

The cord hanging out of me was so strange, but at the same time it created a unique connection between Mariah and me. Every time the cord moved I knew it meant my Mariah was moving and that she was continuing to stay strong. For two days I felt her moving for the first time inside of me along with the cord moving. However, just a few days later I woke up one morning and knew immediately something was wrong. The cord was no longer moving or spongy looking – instead it was totally limp and had no color. When they did the ultrasound they confirmed that my brave little fighter's heart had stopped. I was beyond heartbroken and my husband and I held each other as we mourned the loss of our little girl. The doctors then did the procedure where they clamped her cord and cut off the part that had been hanging outside of my body. I then had to pray that my body would somehow keep Mariah inside for a few weeks to give my Juliette a chance for survival. That night I felt Juliette moving inside and my husband felt her move under his hand for the first time. In the midst of our nightmare we had a moment of pure happiness!

The next morning I woke up and again knew something was wrong. I didn't feel well and started experiencing chills and my first real contractions started. As long as my fever didn't reach a certain temp the doctors wouldn't induce me and maybe my body would deliver Mariah but keep Juliette inside. I struggled the whole day but deteriorated physically. I was so scared but determined to do my best to stay calm and somehow stop this from happening. I asked my nurse if there was anyone to meditate with me because I never had before and didn’t know what to do. She sent a nurse to perform Reiki with me and it definitely helped me stay calm for the half hour she was with me. She put in a classical CD that definitely helped me remain calm even after she left. The pain medication they had going through my IV gave me such a terrible migraine that I just wanted to cry. My nurse that day was amazingly supportive and massaged my temples for a long time and as long as she was touching my head I felt better. I got weaker and weaker to the point where I couldn’t even rise from my bed without assistance. As the day slid into evening my contractions were painful and my temp escalated. Throughout the day my husband stayed with me and I periodically had my Mom in with me and she just sat on my bed massaging my hands and arms. My temp finally spiked and the doctors did blood work and they said I definitely had an infection. My doctor sat down on my bed and told me they could no longer wait for me to deliver naturally anymore because I was now at significant risk. They couldn’t give me an epidural due to my high white blood count and fever. They gave me a low dose of Pitocin and my doctor just sat on the bed with me while I pushed Mariah out. She was so tiny and the infection and lack of fluid had wreaked havoc on her little body but she was still breathtakingly beautiful!! She even had my long and skinny nose. She came out with her arms crossed over her tiny chest – her delicate hands touching her shoulders. My little fighter… now my precious angel. My heart was broken but I couldn't stop smiling at my beautiful little girl. My husband and I took turns holding her and my sister, who is a photographer, came in and took some pictures for us.

The doctors immediately stopped the Pitocin to see if my body would keep my Juliette inside. I tried to calm my nerves but I was continually getting sick and unfortunately I started to feel pain again. Juliette's water broke not too much later and my fever remained high... so the doctors said they had no choice but to give me another low dose of Pitocin to speed things along. I then gave birth to my perfect Juliette who came ever so quietly into the world. It broke my heart to see her perfect little body and what should have been had I been further along in my pregnancy. If I had just been a few more weeks along this baby of mine might have had a chance. My sweet angel looked like she was just sleeping and she had the same features as my husband! Everything about her was perfect and she had one hand by her head... I couldn't stop touching her tiny fingers and toes. My heart ached with how perfect she was and again I smiled at my beautiful baby girl. We took pictures with our girls and my husband and I treasured every moment they were in our arms. I never wanted to let them go.

My heart cries every day for my girls. I love and wanted them so much. I don't understand why I didn't get to keep them here on Earth. I will love my angel babies forever and I hope they know how much their Mommy loves them. XOXOXO