March for Babies

Yesterday morning I walked in my first March for Babies in Philadelphia. My husband and I marched with dear friends whose vibrant little boy came into the world at 26 weeks almost three years ago.  Their little boy marched/rode in a wagon with us during the four mile walk on a beautiful and sunny day. I was very proud and honored to be part of their team!

When we first arrived in front of the Art Museum my friend and I left the rest of the group to go register. As she filled out the paperwork I stood off to the side and became a little overwhelmed by the crowd and all the team t-shirts. I lost my breath a couple times... torn between sadness at many of the heart wrenching "In Memory" shirts and despairing over why I couldn't be part of the teams with the inspiring preemie survivors t-shirts. I desperately wanted to be part of my very own Mariah & Juliette miracle team... but that won't ever be and tears stung as my eyes as I tried to take deep breaths and focus on the amazing team I was part of for the day.

I am so glad there are so many organizations in our country to support worthy causes. My husband and I turned to the March of Dimes immediately after losing our daughters. We set up a fundraising page online as an option for our friends and loved ones to donate to in lieu of sending us flowers. We have been humbled by the amount of love and support we have received through the donations and hope our girls are proud of what we have done in their names.
Click here to see the March of Dimes Memorial Page for Mariah & Juliette!

Next year my husband and I plan to participate in the March for Babies again and have our very own "In Memory" team to honor our beautiful girls.

Hard to Believe

It's hard to believe that it's been two months (yesterday) since I ruptured and landed in the hospital. Some days it feels like such a lifetime ago. Life marches on whether I want it to or not. This week I have felt imbalanced as I walk a quiet tightrope of emotions. 

I want to turn back time... but only if I can change the ultimate outcome.

The Midnight Orange

Original sculpture by D. Antonia Truesdale

I absolutely adore an artist by the name of D. Antonia Truesdale. I came across her Etsy shop by chance in my constant perusing for comfort on the internet after the loss of my girls: http://www.etsy.com/shop/TheMidnightOrange  This artist also has a beautiful facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Midnight-Orange/105314011660  She creates original sculptures that touch my heart deeply. On her facebook page there are many albums of her pieces and I have spent a lot of time looking at them. Many speak to my grief while others give me hope for my future. Words can't describe how much her art has touched me so I wanted to share it on my blog. I have recently been lucky enough to order a piece from D. Antonia to call my own and when I receive it I will post a picture. Until then, please check out her store on Etsy and facebook to enjoy her inspiring and healing sculptures.

Tears

I was hoping a long nights sleep would ease me into Saturday and that my weekend would start off on a positive note. However this cloud of depression hanging over me is staying in place and the tears just keep coming. I visited the girls this afternoon and for the second time this week just sat there and cried. It's a beautiful day and right now I can't enjoy it. Instead I sat by the girls and wept that I would never enjoy a day like this with them. I felt this same way when I was at the shore the week following the girls' funeral. My husband and I had taken some time to be together and heal. An absolutely beautiful and warm day happened while we were there and we went for a walk on the boardwalk. It seemed like everyone had decided to take the day off and I was surrounded by Moms and babies in strollers. Halfway through the boardwalk it overwhelmed me and I had to walk off to the side and lean on the railing. My husband stood there with me and held me as I cried. I looked out on the ocean through my tears and my heart broke that I would never get to experience a beautiful day on the beach with my beautiful Mariah & Juliette. I was never going to see their reactions the first time their toes touched the sand or as the ocean lapped over their precious little feet. 

Days like today I look at the pictures of my girls and read my new favorite poems over and over. Words can never express my eternal gratitude to my sister who took pictures of my girls that I will cherish forever. The night I delivered Mariah & Juliette my sister captured their beautiful faces and tiny hands and toes. She also took many pictures of my husband and me holding our daughters. I treasure the one night I spent with my angels and I am incredibly lucky that my talented sister captured the brief time we spent together as a family here on earth.

There are so many touching poems that express grief as if it came from my own heart. Below are two of my very favorite poems I have found on many different sites.

A million times we've missed you

A million times we've cried

If love could have saved you

You would have never died

If we could have just one wish

A dream that could come true

We'd pray to God with all our hearts

For yesterday and YOU! 

They say there is a reason

They say that time will heal

But neither time nor reason

Will change the way I feel

For no one knows the heartache

That lies behind our smiles

No one knows how many times

We have broken down and cried

We want to tell you something

So there won't be any doubt

You're so wonderful to think of

But so hard to be without! 

My Heart Hurts

My heart hurts...

Last week and the weekend were pretty good for me. Not to say I didn't have some breakdowns - however, I was able to recover and still have decent days. Some of my dearest and closest friends came from great distances to visit over the weekend and they really lifted my spirits. They listened to me talk and looked through pictures of my girls. They also brought and planted two beautiful pink rose bushes in my backyard in remembrance of my girls. They made me feel loved and it felt good to share my experience with them. I count my blessings that I have such special friends that took time out of their busy lives to travel and be with me for a day.

Unfortunately, ever since my emotional break down on Monday I haven't been able to recover. My heart physically hurts. The weight of my sadness seems to be crushing me this week and I'm tired from the unending grief. It not only hurts my heart - it hurts my mind and my body. I want off of this roller coaster ride for a while. Last week I really felt like I had been moving forward and slowly inching up and having happy moments. I made it to the peak of the roller coaster when my friends were visiting. However it only took one small meeting at school to send me hurtling down the slope and now I can't find the energy to start traveling back up again. I'm tired and...

my heart hurts.

I Thought of You with Love Today

I am finding many poems, quotes and pictures online these days that speak to my heart. Below are two of my favorites...

I thought of you with love today,
but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday,
and days before that too.
I think of you in silence,
I often speak your name.
All I have are memories,
and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is a keepsake,
from which I'll never part.
God has you in his arms...
I have you in my heart.

Difficult Day

At some point I plan on blogging about my cherished girls' funeral but I think I will need some time before I can write about that painful day. We had the funeral within a week of losing my Mariah & Juliette and though I thought I had already lived through the most agonizing day of my life, saying goodbye to my girls and seeing their tiny casket was truly more than I could bear.

Today was a regular day at school and I always enjoy my students. Time truly flies when you teach Kindergarten because 25 five/six year olds really know how to keep you on your toes! However, after school I had a committee meeting along with a wonderful co-worker of mine who happens to be due close to the same time I was due. Prior to losing my girls this co-worker and I would check in with each other in the mornings and keep tabs on how we were feeling as we passed each other in the hallway. Ever since I returned to school she has respectfully kept her distance and though we have spoken and I still see her briefly in the hallways - we haven't spent any significant time together. As I went to the meeting I didn't think twice about seeing my co-worker at the meeting. However, when she walked in I lost my breath. She looked so cute in her maternity dress with her ever growing belly and a feeling of complete loss washed over me as I looked down at my own stomach which should be full and round with my girls. Instead I had nothing. I tried to stifle my feelings and focus on the meeting at hand but as the meeting went on I was feeling worse and worse. I could barely concentrate and as soon as the meeting was over I practically flew out of the room. I'm sure the other teachers wondered what my problem was because they all stayed behind and chatted. I ran to my classroom and threw my things together and left. I drove straight to the cemetery and cried the whole way there.

It didn't take long to get to my girls because I live close by my school and my girls are buried in a cemetery just down the street from my home. I got to their grave and dropped to my knees and sobbed. I sobbed because I wanted more than anything for my girls to still be inside me and not in the ground. I sobbed because I wanted my girls - I wanted to experience the joy of delivering them alive. I wanted hugs and kisses. I even sobbed at how I was never going to get to watch them go to Prom. This morning on the radio the DJs were talking about Prom and how expensive it is today. I listened to a Mom talking about her daughter and she had a catch in her throat as she talked about how she'd do anything to make her daughter have the most perfect Prom ever. I felt my chest constrict as I listened to that Mom this morning but I buried my sorrow and as I arrived to school I busied myself with the day ahead. However, now, kneeling by my girls I let it all out. I'm not sure how long I was there or how long I was doubled over in agony. I told my girls I was sorry - so sorry that my body didn't keep better care of them and keep them where they belonged. I told them I wanted them so much and I wished they were with me... something I tell them almost every time I visit. I love my girls and have many tokens I wear in remembrance of them that dear family and friends have given me. I treasure these necklaces and bracelets and am grateful to have them on as a constant recognition of my girls and that I will never forget them. They are always, ALWAYS, in my heart. But on a day like today nothing comforts me and I left my girls' grave site with empty arms and what feels like a forever broken heart.

My Little Lambs

I loved you before I knew you,
my little lambs.

I've wanted you always,
and dreamed of you awake and asleep.

You brought me over-the-moon joy,
and the love for all things pink.

Heart-shattering grief,
when you were born too soon.

I cherished holding you in my arms,
and longed to keep you safely cradled.

Mommy wanted you,
more than you ever got the chance to know.

I will love and miss you forever,
my little lambs.




Written with love to my girls.

Shattered Dreams

The magical week and a half since finding out I was having two precious little girls came to a crashing halt when my water broke while I was at school (I am a teacher) at twenty weeks. I didn't realize at the time that my water had broken but I knew something was wrong. I had been on my lunch break at school and had just used the bathroom when I experienced a rush of liquid. Thankfully two of my friends were still in the teacher’s lounge when I emerged from the bathroom and I sat down and asked if what had just happened to me had ever happened to either of them when they were pregnant. They remained very calm and asked me questions and told me I should probably call my doctor. As it was time to return to my class I was lucky that one of my friends immediately said she would take care of my students while I went to her empty classroom and called my doctor. After explaining to my doctor’s office what I experienced they told me to immediately get to the hospital triage. For the first time I really started to panic… I think before then I was convinced that this was just some weird pregnancy symptom. I immediately called my husband in tears and he told me he’d be right over. He is often out of town for work so it was a miracle that he was even home! He rushed over to my school within minutes and drove me to the hospital. In triage I experienced another rush of liquid – again immediately after using the bathroom. After doing two tests I was told that my water had broken. We were informed that I would most likely deliver my girls within the week and there was nothing they could do at this early stage to prevent it or do anything to save my girls. My husband held me as I cried at this devastating news. Just a week and a half prior I had a detailed ultrasound where I learned my babies were girls and that everything was perfect! I couldn’t believe this was happening to us! They gave us the option of inducing but I wasn’t showing signs of infection (a high risk for me due to the rupture) and both my girls had strong heartbeats so I didn’t feel that was an option for me. I was put on bed rest at the hospital and prayed for a miracle.

My Mom and one of my sisters were able to drive in from out of state that day and were with me in the hospital every day. My husband slept next to my hospital bed every night. I truly don’t know what I would have done without them!! Every day I had an ultrasound and saw Baby A’s fluid was decreasing but her heartbeat remained strong. Everything remained perfect with Baby B. One early morning we met with the high risk doctor. We were given the most likely negative outcomes (deliver within the week and lose both girls or somehow being able to keep the babies inside for a couple weeks but still delivering before they were viable) but we clung to the rare times that things have worked out. The best case scenario we were hoping for was being able to stay on bed rest and keep the babies inside until they were viable. A bad/good scenario was delivering the baby whose sac ruptured and somehow not delivering the second baby and keeping her inside until she was viable. We were told both those scenarios were extremely unlikely but there had been some documented cases. We had to believe that we could possibly become one of those rare but positive cases!! While in the hospital I had a lot of love coming my way. My closest friends were in touch by phone, emails and texts. Friends from school visited and sent me care packages to keep me busy while on bed rest. Even many of my students’ families sent me messages and gifts and planned to visit. Flowers filled my hospital room and my husband’s family and best friend were frequent visitors. My Mom and sister were with me from morning until night and helped the time pass more quickly by watching old favorite movies and spending time talking.

After only a few days of bed rest I went to the bathroom one night and started frantically yelling to my husband to get a nurse because the cord to one of my babies was hanging outside of me. They told me Baby A's cord had prolapsed and now I was at a much higher risk for infection. The doctor on call from my practice that night told me I should be induced immediately. I couldn't stop crying and I asked for some time. I called one of my good friends from college that is an OBGYN and she could hear the pain in my voice as I explained what happened. I passed the phone to one of the doctors in my room and she confirmed that I wasn’t showing signs of infection. When I told my friend I didn’t want to induce – that I wasn’t ready for that decision she told me I didn’t have to make that decision tonight. That as long as I wasn’t in danger myself that I could wait until morning to discuss things with my personal doctor who would be in the next morning. After I got off the phone the doctor on call came back in my room and again told me I should make the choice to induce. Through my tears I refused to be induced as long as my babies had heartbeats. The doctor showed her disappointment in my decision and told me that my friend was not acting as a Doctor in giving me her advice and was instead only acting as a friend. I’ve never been so upset but I still refused. My husband was strong for me and held me while I cried and supported me as we stepped further into our nightmare. That night I was taken to the labor wing because they thought I was in the beginning stages of labor. They have a special room for women in such bad situations and I even had my own private waiting room. My Mom and sister slept in the waiting room that night because they were so worried for the girls and me. I don’t remember sleeping a wink that night. All I did was rub my belly and tell the girls “Mommy loves you – Mommy loves you!” over and over and over. I begged the girls to stay with me and silently wept throughout the night because I wanted the girls so much and I didn’t want them to leave me.

My doctor came to me the next morning. She agreed with her colleague that it was probably best that I be induced for my own health – but she also said that I needed to make the decision I was most comfortable with and she would support me as long as I wasn’t showing any signs of an infection. She also set up a meeting for me with the high risk doctor. The high risk doctor agreed with me and said that as long as I didn't have an infection we could wait things out and see how they progressed. He also informed us that if my Baby A were to die in the womb due to her lack of amniotic fluid and problems ensuing from her prolapsed cord that they would clamp the cord and see if they could save Baby B if that is what I wanted. No… what I WANTED was to have both my babies healthy and to stay safe inside me where they belonged!! But obviously that was almost guaranteed not to happen anymore and I said I wanted everything done to save my babies if they could. So my personal doctor agreed for me to stay on complete bed rest and that they would move forward with the high risk doctor’s plan if Baby A didn’t make it. The next few days were a struggle. I was continually reminded that as soon as I showed signs of infection that I would be immediately induced. I prayed every day for a miracle. My husband, Mom and sister did everything they could to keep my mind occupied during the next few agonizing days. My Dad and brother-in-law came to town during this time and my husband’s family continued to come daily as well. My nurses that took care of me while I was in the hospital were amazing. I had a special connection with a nurse Grace who had taken care of me for a couple days when I was in the other wing on bed rest. She switched with someone to come take care of me in my new wing. She kept my spirits up and remained positive for me. She, along with my family, took such good care of me and made sure I was drinking enough fluids and eating at least a little bit because I didn’t have much of an appetite during that time. One day Grace even brought us Holy Water she had brought back from Our Lady of Knock Shrine in Ireland. She told my husband and me to bless ourselves and our babies. One night during this time my husband and I made a decision about our girls’ names. We had already picked out two names for our girls but for some reason they just didn’t seem to fit anymore. He picked Mariah (a variation of Mary since he wanted to honor the Virgin Mary) for Baby A, our little fighter who continued hanging on with a strong heartbeat despite her lack of fluid and prolapsed cord! I then picked Juliette for Baby B after an inspirational family member who was a social activist during the Civil Rights Movement. That night we stayed up listening to inspirational music and silently prayed for a miracle for our girls whom we already loved so much.

The cord hanging out of me was so strange, but at the same time it created a unique connection between Mariah and me. Every time the cord moved I knew it meant my Mariah was moving and that she was continuing to stay strong. For two days I felt her moving for the first time inside of me along with the cord moving. However, just a few days later I woke up one morning and knew immediately something was wrong. The cord was no longer moving or spongy looking – instead it was totally limp and had no color. When they did the ultrasound they confirmed that my brave little fighter's heart had stopped. I was beyond heartbroken and my husband and I held each other as we mourned the loss of our little girl. The doctors then did the procedure where they clamped her cord and cut off the part that had been hanging outside of my body. I then had to pray that my body would somehow keep Mariah inside for a few weeks to give my Juliette a chance for survival. That night I felt Juliette moving inside and my husband felt her move under his hand for the first time. In the midst of our nightmare we had a moment of pure happiness!

The next morning I woke up and again knew something was wrong. I didn't feel well and started experiencing chills and my first real contractions started. As long as my fever didn't reach a certain temp the doctors wouldn't induce me and maybe my body would deliver Mariah but keep Juliette inside. I struggled the whole day but deteriorated physically. I was so scared but determined to do my best to stay calm and somehow stop this from happening. I asked my nurse if there was anyone to meditate with me because I never had before and didn’t know what to do. She sent a nurse to perform Reiki with me and it definitely helped me stay calm for the half hour she was with me. She put in a classical CD that definitely helped me remain calm even after she left. The pain medication they had going through my IV gave me such a terrible migraine that I just wanted to cry. My nurse that day was amazingly supportive and massaged my temples for a long time and as long as she was touching my head I felt better. I got weaker and weaker to the point where I couldn’t even rise from my bed without assistance. As the day slid into evening my contractions were painful and my temp escalated. Throughout the day my husband stayed with me and I periodically had my Mom in with me and she just sat on my bed massaging my hands and arms. My temp finally spiked and the doctors did blood work and they said I definitely had an infection. My doctor sat down on my bed and told me they could no longer wait for me to deliver naturally anymore because I was now at significant risk. They couldn’t give me an epidural due to my high white blood count and fever. They gave me a low dose of Pitocin and my doctor just sat on the bed with me while I pushed Mariah out. She was so tiny and the infection and lack of fluid had wreaked havoc on her little body but she was still breathtakingly beautiful!! She even had my long and skinny nose. She came out with her arms crossed over her tiny chest – her delicate hands touching her shoulders. My little fighter… now my precious angel. My heart was broken but I couldn't stop smiling at my beautiful little girl. My husband and I took turns holding her and my sister, who is a photographer, came in and took some pictures for us.

The doctors immediately stopped the Pitocin to see if my body would keep my Juliette inside. I tried to calm my nerves but I was continually getting sick and unfortunately I started to feel pain again. Juliette's water broke not too much later and my fever remained high... so the doctors said they had no choice but to give me another low dose of Pitocin to speed things along. I then gave birth to my perfect Juliette who came ever so quietly into the world. It broke my heart to see her perfect little body and what should have been had I been further along in my pregnancy. If I had just been a few more weeks along this baby of mine might have had a chance. My sweet angel looked like she was just sleeping and she had the same features as my husband! Everything about her was perfect and she had one hand by her head... I couldn't stop touching her tiny fingers and toes. My heart ached with how perfect she was and again I smiled at my beautiful baby girl. We took pictures with our girls and my husband and I treasured every moment they were in our arms. I never wanted to let them go.

My heart cries every day for my girls. I love and wanted them so much. I don't understand why I didn't get to keep them here on Earth. I will love my angel babies forever and I hope they know how much their Mommy loves them. XOXOXO

Dream Come True

Here is my story from the "beginning"...


Once Cinderella finds her Prince Charming the Happily Ever After begins! :-) In many ways I have been blessed to have a very good start to my happily ever after. My husband and I have each other and our dream jobs and home... these things took effort to attain but patience, dreaming, hard work and a bit of luck played into achieving what we wanted. We hoped that starting our family would be a fun filled and happy next step in our adventure together. Unfortunately our journey has been rougher than we anticipated and with an "unexplained infertility" diagnosis and an early miscarriage under our belts we hoped that somehow things would still work out. We finally decided to go the IVF route upon the recommendation of our fertility doctor and it worked the FIRST time! (Talk about a sigh of relief both financially and emotionally). At the very first ultrasound (which I think was week five) we discovered it was TWINS!! Oh. My. Goodness! Ask my husband, somehow I always thought that would happen if we went this route. I was, needless to say, a bit freaked out... but also very, very happy.

The next few weeks included weekly ultrasounds with my fertility doctor. One of the sacs seemed small and he thought there was a significant chance it might not make it. However - by the time we reached week nine and my fertility doctor passed me back to my regular OBGYN - he thought both babies were doing fine. After my husband and I left that ultrasound, in which the babies looked like gummi bears, we both felt elated and scared. So it's really going to be twins... what are we going to do?! We told our families who were beyond excited for us. A couple weeks later we started telling friends and then another couple weeks later we told the world via facebook. I announced I had "not one but TWO buns in the oven!" During the first fifteen weeks I was feeling pretty miserable. I felt nauseous 24/7 and didn't like the thought of eating anything at all. It wasn't just a few different foods that didn't appeal to me - all food became distasteful. The only thing I seemed able to eat was fruit, toast, and scrambled eggs. That was my diet for about six weeks. Unfortunately my migraines increased and I was already experiencing trouble sleeping. Through all the uncomfortable physical symptoms, I was also feeling scared. These feelings were hanging around due to my previous miscarriage. I knew from the ultrasounds and hearing their strong heartbeats that my babies were doing fine and words can't describe the immediate love and excitement I had at seeing and hearing my wonderful babies. But I always had a nervous feeling hovering just behind my heart and keeping me from being one hundred percent happy.

I started getting very excited as my week 18 ultrasound got closer because hopefully we were going to find out the sex of the babies. My husband had a feeling we were having two girls all along while I was never willing to make a guess. We were having a level two, detailed ultrasound and a consultation with a high risk doctor. By the time we arrived at the doctor office I was a wreck both physically and emotionally. Physically because I had to drink all that water before the ultrasound so I could barely sit still and emotionally because I was so anxious to see the babies and make sure they were still doing well and beyond excited to find out what we were having. When my husband and I finally got ushered into the room the woman performing the ultrasound took about a half hour looking at every part of Baby B before finally showing us the evidence that Baby B was a girl!! Then another half hour later we learned Baby A was also a girl!! I can't even tell you how OVER THE MOON I was at this news... I think I would have been just as elated over boys but in my heart of hearts I had secretly wanted two little princesses!! We met with the high risk doctor following our ultrasound and he basically told us everything looked perfect. When we left that ultrasound I felt one hundred percent happiness and I think it was then I unconsciously let go of the little nagging fear that had been hanging over me.

The next couple weeks I dedicated to finally working on my baby registry. I read my Baby Bargains book and spent time asking my little sister and friends questions and asking for advice. My baby bump was really showing because with twins I was bigger than I would be with a single baby. I had bought some maternity sweaters and shirts and friends had given me some of their old maternity clothes and I borrowed clothes from others. My husband took the first pictures of me with my baby bump in our backyard and I was beaming with happiness!! I started rubbing my belly and began talking to the girls a little bit. One night I swear I finally felt them moving - a lot of fluttering was going on! I picked a theme for the baby nursery... lambs! We had taken a trip to Ireland the previous spring and I had fallen in love with lambs and routinely gave my husband heart attacks as I'd jump out of a slightly moving car when I saw them because I wanted to take pictures. ;-) It seemed only appropriate to decorate the nursery with lambs as I was soon going to have my own precious little lambs!