tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38392186379924094722024-02-19T21:45:19.193-05:00My Beautiful GirlsJenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.comBlogger37125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-12669582026814755292014-02-24T22:05:00.000-05:002014-02-24T22:05:15.472-05:00Approaching Two Years...<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">It is an odd place to be right now... my rainbow baby came in early January and I'm overwhelmed with happiness. During my pregnancy I was so scared to be happy. Being in the babyloss community I know the many things that can go wrong. Each week was scary but each week I let myself believe more and more that my dream for a baby might come true this time. Giving birth to my angel girls was such an inexplicable feeling. I knew my Mariah had already passed but I still couldn't wait to hold her and then my heart broke as I realized labor started with Juliette and there was no chance to save her. However I can truly say there were moments of true happiness when I held my baby girls - oh so tiny but completely perfect. At the same time my heart was completely broken and the scars on my heart will always be there. Delivering my rainbow baby was a completely different experience... one still filled with anxiety but also filled with hope and love as I was about to meet my sweet girl. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">During the first week with my 'lil baby I had so many different feelings. One night I cried because I was so happy to be holding my baby girl who was living and breathing - I felt so lucky and blessed as I looked at her little face. But I also had feelings of guilt for being so happy when I didn't have my two angels. As the two year angelversary approaches I am hoping to find a way to live better with my two different feelings of overwhelming love and heartbreak and guilt. I will never understand why my body couldn't protect and keep my girls safe and with me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I am hoping my girls' headstone will be in place in time for their angelversary. It has arrived but due to the weather it might not be placed in time. Hopefully the weather will be decent and I can bring my rainbow baby to meet where her sisters will forever sleep.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/141/527468BF8EF7A24433D73FD44C0CC458.png" style="background: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; border-right: 0px; border-top: 0px;" /></a>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-83120439366280177872013-10-15T20:52:00.000-04:002013-10-15T20:54:02.225-04:00Babyloss Remembrance Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I love my Mariah & Juliette!!! They are a part of me always and I know they are taking care of me and keeping their little sister (due in January) safe and sound where she belongs.</span><br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXGfjK5Y3hWUrwHRW1LP3_nimOKX3GVj1UxJRR_-5KXLKz4-uQ8EDK8azhsayvTSPcxkRVcRs1WHhfLpCRYur5jg0PygU2x4ozAg6V-EV4_POI3w2XR78B4TwiJgVtBWorJfK3AkNVmJkw/s1600/1380752_10153388397415454_939475396_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXGfjK5Y3hWUrwHRW1LP3_nimOKX3GVj1UxJRR_-5KXLKz4-uQ8EDK8azhsayvTSPcxkRVcRs1WHhfLpCRYur5jg0PygU2x4ozAg6V-EV4_POI3w2XR78B4TwiJgVtBWorJfK3AkNVmJkw/s400/1380752_10153388397415454_939475396_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/141/527468BF8EF7A24433D73FD44C0CC458.png" style="background: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; border-right: 0px; border-top: 0px;" /></a>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-8941967286398535572013-07-19T10:48:00.002-04:002013-07-19T10:52:56.705-04:00I'm Sorry<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I haven't visited my girls in a while. I miss them. But I can't physically bring myself to go there. There are a myriad of reasons why but right now I just want my girls to know that I'm so sorry.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">My husband and I have picked out a headstone. It will be pink and in the shape of a heart. We are just figuring out a few of the finer details. We have chosen a small stone so we can't add any words to the stone other than the girls' names and date. We can, however, have lambs and roses on the stone so I'm figuring out the placement and what I like. I want it to be perfect. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSAiBRDbDARToEBCVq3xQojU6aBAnExlFTq3XvFWwFESxRM1wEg0WrNfVQornZaR17PXw_wyRuaIcK963mF1uv17lJil8cEDgXbBnFjprja7IyQYAEh8Fyex7PX-w8e36IIZeWQLz7uOdq/s1600/heartheadstone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSAiBRDbDARToEBCVq3xQojU6aBAnExlFTq3XvFWwFESxRM1wEg0WrNfVQornZaR17PXw_wyRuaIcK963mF1uv17lJil8cEDgXbBnFjprja7IyQYAEh8Fyex7PX-w8e36IIZeWQLz7uOdq/s200/heartheadstone.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">It's a little overwhelming in terms of cost. I wish money didn't have to factor in for something like this. You don't get much of a "payment plan" for headstones or from the cemetery to place the headstone. But we're not going to let it stop us from doing what we want for our girls.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I love you, my beautiful girls. I'm so sorry I haven't visited. Though I haven't physically been to the cemetery Mommy holds you in her heart every day. I love you, always</span>.</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/141/527468BF8EF7A24433D73FD44C0CC458.png" style="background: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; border-right: 0px; border-top: 0px;" /></a>
<br />
<br>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-19551185371606215392013-05-12T23:15:00.001-04:002013-05-12T23:16:08.850-04:00Happy Mother's Day<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFfOPBA_G2XJ72DNSIUevl0k3V5L5RnFwAKcF8AOzlpKSSYlAtkk_x_h2ag_1th5Uu_pbs5rlmjnjJyA9pOO6kyoY_5Al1-3DUopO0re7EMQsjuw1K0Pd0Aa_ncA5O5iD7sSJkGBlLqYVq/s640/blogger-image--572857488.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFfOPBA_G2XJ72DNSIUevl0k3V5L5RnFwAKcF8AOzlpKSSYlAtkk_x_h2ag_1th5Uu_pbs5rlmjnjJyA9pOO6kyoY_5Al1-3DUopO0re7EMQsjuw1K0Pd0Aa_ncA5O5iD7sSJkGBlLqYVq/s400/blogger-image--572857488.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-15292732277103433202013-04-22T20:03:00.002-04:002013-04-22T20:05:14.824-04:00Infertility Week<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I haven't been writing lately because I have nothing to say. I'm all tapped out. I'm sad and empty 24/7 and it's tiring. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Below is another good blog post I read describing infertility - click on the link "Can You Imagine?" if you'd like to read.</span><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.laurencasper.com/2013/04/22/can-you-imagine/" target="_blank">Can You Imagine?</a><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvfR3UC6HXSv3b7tmBEBTqE5zNZW68ZYO3M3cODyS3rXwhX_s-EjV9k8q38OmbxWAB17HUND6SZqjv5th9Nx81RqEEw9xWmcx5tvYRL-6blxxzXPZKWQRVNq1JoEbEQVldOD55WvTfrnFe/s1600/Infertility.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvfR3UC6HXSv3b7tmBEBTqE5zNZW68ZYO3M3cODyS3rXwhX_s-EjV9k8q38OmbxWAB17HUND6SZqjv5th9Nx81RqEEw9xWmcx5tvYRL-6blxxzXPZKWQRVNq1JoEbEQVldOD55WvTfrnFe/s400/Infertility.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/141/527468BF8EF7A24433D73FD44C0CC458.png" style="background: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; border-right: 0px; border-top: 0px;" /></a>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-69683400745822937512013-03-31T17:40:00.000-04:002013-03-31T17:41:38.042-04:00Three Strikes...<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">and I'm out.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I just tried IVF for the third time since I lost my girls and I just got the negative news today, on Easter no less, that I'm not pregnant. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">My Faith is broken. I am broken.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/141/527468BF8EF7A24433D73FD44C0CC458.png" style="background: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; border-right: 0px; border-top: 0px;" /></a>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-742473071010726822013-03-28T12:47:00.001-04:002013-03-31T17:25:27.314-04:00The Pain of Infertility<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I came across this link today and it perfectly describes what I'm going through with my husband. I wish I could post this on my Facebook page but my husband and I share many friends and he's much more private than I am so... I will at least post the link here. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">The post below is from the man's perspective. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<a href="http://ow.ly/jxRu5"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">http://ow.ly/jxRu5</span></a><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/141/527468BF8EF7A24433D73FD44C0CC458.png" style="background: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; border-right: 0px; border-top: 0px;" /></a>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-24486778757974772932013-03-05T00:05:00.000-05:002013-03-05T00:07:53.170-05:00Lost<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">March 5, 2013</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Mariah & Juliette’s 1<sup>st</sup> Angelversary</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I’m at such a loss for today. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">My heart is broken. It’s empty. It’s drowning in tears. It
hurts beyond all understanding. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I so miss my beautiful little girls. I miss what should have
been. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I’m so grateful I got to hold them in my arms. Look at their
precious and perfect features. The love I have for my girls has forever changed
me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">But all the things I didn’t get to do completely overwhelm
me. I wanted them more than I could ever express. I will never understand losing
my girls. Their loss has also forever changed me. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">My whole life I have wanted a family. I literally couldn't have been happier the day I learned I was having twin girls. I sometimes feel like I was just too happy that day. I was getting everything I ever wanted and maybe it was more than one person deserves.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I pray my girls in heaven can hear me. I hope they know how much I wanted them. How much I love them. How much I miss them every single second of every day. I just want to hold them and love on them so much. I would give anything to turn back time and have things turn out differently. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: large;">As long as I live you live</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: large;">As long as I live you will be remembered</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">As long as I live you will be LOVED!!</span></span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKcZRZ9q2gOYPIzNvXp6X-5DSJUnDu999-hKZDSpHzXsWiVWiBL3ALOcfJ2JTrhJ-L0KDX_Vsi3HzJVHCiceudi6m98cZFEaSnqxsOOEfMQ5sICfXY3F8-0x9-xALcwjb1JqvjZUNVi4Yy/s1600/Angelversary_Pic_Blog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKcZRZ9q2gOYPIzNvXp6X-5DSJUnDu999-hKZDSpHzXsWiVWiBL3ALOcfJ2JTrhJ-L0KDX_Vsi3HzJVHCiceudi6m98cZFEaSnqxsOOEfMQ5sICfXY3F8-0x9-xALcwjb1JqvjZUNVi4Yy/s400/Angelversary_Pic_Blog.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/141/527468BF8EF7A24433D73FD44C0CC458.png" style="background: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; border-right: 0px; border-top: 0px;" /></a>
Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-80857100119900154882013-02-27T18:38:00.003-05:002013-02-27T18:40:41.872-05:00Hell<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">February 27th is a day I will hate for the rest of my life. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">One year ago today my water broke at school. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I was 20 weeks along. I thought I was safe. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">My life changed forever. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Whatever I thought had been difficult in my life prior to that day can't hold a candle to what I experienced in the days following February 27th, 2012. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I feel robbed of the life I should be living with my beautiful girls. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I have no words today... I feel empty. </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/141/527468BF8EF7A24433D73FD44C0CC458.png" style="background: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; border-right: 0px; border-top: 0px;" /></a>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-78142611591310153752013-01-27T15:15:00.000-05:002013-01-27T15:15:08.647-05:00Favorite Pictures<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Since this summer I have downloaded well over one hundred pictures and quotes on Pinterest that speak to me in my grief. I have added them to <a href="http://mybeautifulgirls-march5.blogspot.com/p/my-favorite-pictures.html" target="_blank">My Favorite Pictures</a> page</span>.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4tjJOYReSuubY6nGgcDHZ4cCywRAndKzEoAh5mGeJtajPlZNoOA2HsBNnLwXx1a_j8RPEnbBLimh6TscYNdXjTpMztJYJAdpNl1xlIjLYTeAr5KDuR7xt9O0wZGXNhbtnbRN30nqzdhQi/s1600/kennedy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4tjJOYReSuubY6nGgcDHZ4cCywRAndKzEoAh5mGeJtajPlZNoOA2HsBNnLwXx1a_j8RPEnbBLimh6TscYNdXjTpMztJYJAdpNl1xlIjLYTeAr5KDuR7xt9O0wZGXNhbtnbRN30nqzdhQi/s320/kennedy.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8zi6WC4GEyK2Tond1Brvh2Y008864zs0yLG9F-TDA2cGyR2rAjrNGQWHXW38Lh18XyfA9iHDdGb_2WTEX-pzHOsxvJjlW5LIohY7OWKWiQ8q6u_QL3pxwP7E5jlcuBf7mt4eG4hDvtcQ5/s1600/up.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8zi6WC4GEyK2Tond1Brvh2Y008864zs0yLG9F-TDA2cGyR2rAjrNGQWHXW38Lh18XyfA9iHDdGb_2WTEX-pzHOsxvJjlW5LIohY7OWKWiQ8q6u_QL3pxwP7E5jlcuBf7mt4eG4hDvtcQ5/s320/up.jpg" width="226" /> </a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhajDKFdVy-GQtH4uR5lyh81T7koBe5qkIQSI_Jj6tUjqbCNqGLCreJuZi1_-5v4EBgBu-G1XEf3h3DkudEw5DDAQZJBE6HZczy2DbWnMUwPYZJvBSuxgT-GD5grX5xgovtnBmpjcJp6TRP/s320/lastbreath.jpg" width="320" /></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/141/527468BF8EF7A24433D73FD44C0CC458.png" style="background: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; border-right: 0px; border-top: 0px;" /></a>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-18922824745295620602013-01-27T13:19:00.000-05:002013-01-27T13:27:32.906-05:00Safe Haven<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">This blog is my safe haven. The place I come when I am feeling at my worst. I typically only write when I am having a hard time so please know that on a day-to-day basis I am actually hanging in and doing okay.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Time seems to be flying by. It's getting close to being a full year since my angels left this world. I don't even know what I want to do for their day. What do I even call the day? Though I delivered them that day does it still count as their birthday if they were born as angels? I've heard some families refer to it as an angelversary. I feel upset that I don't even know how to refer to March 5th. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I've always been a rather hopeful person. Someone that thinks everything will all work out. Now I know it doesn't. If I'm lucky I will someday still be a mother but I'll never get to be a Mom to my Mariah & Juliette. And I used to agree with people when they used the phrase "everything happens for a reason." When someone now says that phrase to me it takes all my self control to not show my rage and despair... instead I choke out "I'm not sure I agree" and then try to change the subject. I don't believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes things happen for no reason at all. No explanation.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">My feelings of jealousy continue to overwhelm me. I hate this feeling. I hate that it can overshadow my happiness for friends and even innocent strangers. I hate being this person. I'm not this person all the time but it comes and goes. All I want to do a lot of the time is cry. I keep it at bay and keep trying to "fake it until I make it". It's good to at least be faking I'm okay because it does keep me going. But it's hard seeing people make it past week 20 and 21 of their pregnancy without issue. Why couldn't that be me? Why couldn't my girls be safe and happy in my arms instead of buried in the cold hard ground? </span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipdv6o4tBY1xFnK7kjMDYwcU95ioE9SkCog1DqlosYfT-GeSLz_3NGiEPRnmQjnXRNV6S2tT2kwhBgKJUpTBtkdQQKdbd8drkwBCADw6SEuCIU-eGXP1FQxmP1jD5QCTQWalhyT00gUPpR/s1600/ne6g03_large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipdv6o4tBY1xFnK7kjMDYwcU95ioE9SkCog1DqlosYfT-GeSLz_3NGiEPRnmQjnXRNV6S2tT2kwhBgKJUpTBtkdQQKdbd8drkwBCADw6SEuCIU-eGXP1FQxmP1jD5QCTQWalhyT00gUPpR/s320/ne6g03_large.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Other people who have experienced loss are already well on their way to having their rainbow babies. Why can't I? My age and unexplained infertility issues hurt me and and upset me. I know I am running out of time to have the family I so desperately want.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I'm going to continue trying IVF. According to my doctors I have every reason to believe it can and will work. But I don't know how to feel as I try again. When I first tried again after the girls I wasn't ready to feel hopeful so instead I went in thinking it probably wouldn't work. Then when it didn't work (or technically it worked but I lost it right away) I blamed myself and my negative outlook. When I tried again the second time I was very hopeful. I prayed for a Christmas miracle. I talked to my belly and told Baby Boyle to hang in there and stick around this time. My husband and I even visited the girls' grave to pray for their help. When I lost it again I was devastated. I cried for days. I can't do that to myself again. Either way I lose. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I have so much in my life. I am an extremely lucky person. I have the most wonderful family, the best friends, a job I love, a dream home to share with my dream husband... but I lost my dream girls at 21 weeks. They were everything I had dared to hope for and I was only able to hold them in my arms for a few hours. I never got to see them smile. I never got to see their precious eyes look at me. Instead I now pray to them to tell them how much I love them. I pray to my beautiful girls to send their Mommy and Daddy a sibling to have here on earth. </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/141/527468BF8EF7A24433D73FD44C0CC458.png" style="background: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; border-right: 0px; border-top: 0px;" /></a>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-20553623795299182432012-12-05T00:34:00.001-05:002012-12-05T00:34:06.102-05:00In This Moment - I Give Up<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">It hurts too much. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I had another "chemical loss" with my latest try with IVF.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">The doctor says I'm doing everything right and that my body is responding well. The embryos for the last two IVF rounds must have been "bad". What does that even mean?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">All I know is it is getting harder to breathe.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I am jealous, so jealous it physically hurts, of all the pregnant people in my life and of all the beautiful babies. I am envious and at the same time have tremendous guilt for my feelings. I am happy for all my friends and loved ones but it hurts too - it aches and I can't make it stop.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">All I feel is despair over loss after loss. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">My dreams just keep slipping through my fingers and it hurts more than I can take.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I can't stop crying this week. I cry alone. In my car. In the closet at work. In bed at night.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I was so hopeful this time around. I was believing in miracles. I was praying to my beautiful girls. I was believing in the magic of the season.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">The last two Christmases I was pregnant and hopeful. This Christmas I am left empty.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I am nothing but a broken heart.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixOVnnP8sl85XJOYuNSmhRYxdByEZuh3Hikr2Z6wUfvE6HJx7lkVsUaYqC5VUl6FHhk-wLYWLmgywb5XlVOcOUIYkdb8PZOi-iFZDy3T3_76WqNIxg-w-4qv-hcS6HGEhY1ED2MbgvAepd/s1600/Dumbos_Mom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixOVnnP8sl85XJOYuNSmhRYxdByEZuh3Hikr2Z6wUfvE6HJx7lkVsUaYqC5VUl6FHhk-wLYWLmgywb5XlVOcOUIYkdb8PZOi-iFZDy3T3_76WqNIxg-w-4qv-hcS6HGEhY1ED2MbgvAepd/s1600/Dumbos_Mom.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/141/527468BF8EF7A24433D73FD44C0CC458.png" style="background: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; border-right: 0px; border-top: 0px;" /></a>
Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-63767682211902881642012-11-26T22:54:00.002-05:002012-11-26T22:56:41.136-05:00Unanswerable Question<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">School has been a bit all consuming as of late. Just before Thanksgiving I had my parent-teacher conferences. Most conferences went smoothly and a few were a bit stressful. Overall they were successful and I had positive interactions with parents. Two different parents asked me if I had children. I simply said "No, not yet." Both of the parents then responded that I would make a wonderful parent some day because I am so great with the Kindergarteners in my class.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">This interaction made my heart happy and sad all at once. In answering that I didn't have children I felt I was denying my beautiful girls. However, it just didn't seem appropriate to answer that I have angel babies. I didn't want to make the parents uncomfortable and have to explain things and then make it awkward to continue the conference. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I just don't have a good answer to that question that makes me comfortable. Any answer I give invites pain of some sort and I'd rather not make someone else uncomfortable in the process.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwYWkarCpf8IYwL6E6NzPLLrQpsHwz3Oe8_21h8jfbpYF6ozMVYOYtK5q4kslZh7BTzd4_upjwbtvXM5J8NmI8UzLyloUf0LECQT09yG7YemYKjQT1U15MpDM6qxIM_IbiwMISHGtLbtDL/s1600/broken+heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwYWkarCpf8IYwL6E6NzPLLrQpsHwz3Oe8_21h8jfbpYF6ozMVYOYtK5q4kslZh7BTzd4_upjwbtvXM5J8NmI8UzLyloUf0LECQT09yG7YemYKjQT1U15MpDM6qxIM_IbiwMISHGtLbtDL/s1600/broken+heart.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/141/527468BF8EF7A24433D73FD44C0CC458.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>
Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-87081792515240882612012-10-06T18:11:00.001-04:002012-10-06T18:32:59.485-04:00Can't Go Anywhere<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I have been having a hard time lately. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgs-U4eyvc-4kvqsCg46Sb1sxmcN4-8McmO5Fm8ElFA18rP9SQ91fQBxFqsWlD5TEj236ZyphE0C-OXCW6TS3NyfjmbCWYY8P4ZfxqgrKlMqtAj9yqAOyN8guQV5ySfN_wCPWU6eiWzUxR3/s1600/image.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgs-U4eyvc-4kvqsCg46Sb1sxmcN4-8McmO5Fm8ElFA18rP9SQ91fQBxFqsWlD5TEj236ZyphE0C-OXCW6TS3NyfjmbCWYY8P4ZfxqgrKlMqtAj9yqAOyN8guQV5ySfN_wCPWU6eiWzUxR3/s320/image.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">On Pinterest today I found this quote:</span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">"That moment when you</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">can actually feel the pain</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">in your chest from seeing</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">or hearing something that</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><i>breaks your heart." </i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">On some days it doesn't take much. Today I was trying to run some errands, already having a heavy heart, and I saw twin baby girls in a double stroller. My heart broke in a million pieces right there.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjV0Eb187MjLTpw1KjvQRGz03XxqfZ6YYzjkImSBL0HG35Kg5KlZ8FLGgVXPO0R1-aubUfDSPLlJsduXRCJ5nANvDjiEFGfCCLGgvB1TTDdVPGEjLn5tEJcuOLhV7OEx4FlMsLdHKzF-bm/s1600/image-1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjV0Eb187MjLTpw1KjvQRGz03XxqfZ6YYzjkImSBL0HG35Kg5KlZ8FLGgVXPO0R1-aubUfDSPLlJsduXRCJ5nANvDjiEFGfCCLGgvB1TTDdVPGEjLn5tEJcuOLhV7OEx4FlMsLdHKzF-bm/s1600/image-1.jpeg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><i> </i>I truly hate life right now. The loss of my beautiful girls along with my struggles with infertility are too much to bear sometimes.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">When people tell me that they aren't sure they'll have another baby because it's taking too long the second or third time around I always feel great sympathy. However, that feeling evaporates when "too long" means under six months. Really, that's a "long" time????? I know all things are relative and that it must feel like forever for people who are used to getting pregnant quickly, but it more than bugs me... these days it makes me angry. When people carelessly talk about how they'll never get pregnant again after they've already had one child quickly and it's taking more than a few months the second time - it is upsetting to me. I know it shouldn't upset me so much... but my heart strings are pretty taut right now and my emotions right along with them. I hope my plastic smile doesn't give away how I'm truly feeling.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-z4PYogPwLAm4rnTeHbYbZ1cH-43Mn6yvNyG-deb-hbXKaTXfQWs4bmVipq_jshImynvraCHCDY2iBQUWYCb7vmEIDf0Meonnx2aVaI2ePVRefPH49QbQBVSTX42aw-XgLqNjJFuREiQc/s1600/image-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-z4PYogPwLAm4rnTeHbYbZ1cH-43Mn6yvNyG-deb-hbXKaTXfQWs4bmVipq_jshImynvraCHCDY2iBQUWYCb7vmEIDf0Meonnx2aVaI2ePVRefPH49QbQBVSTX42aw-XgLqNjJFuREiQc/s320/image-3.jpg" width="263" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><i> </i></span></div>
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/141/527468BF8EF7A24433D73FD44C0CC458.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>
Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-50718931727308965002012-10-01T19:26:00.001-04:002012-10-01T19:27:59.429-04:00Please<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">On a day like today I need to believe this</span>...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFPoISsKvQYAO2Ja7CeAEJcP8clxmzrDC6AHmCbkW2hitvJTx3KNbQ_wyUK4gAtfewcXoLOT2hUeo17Xp4nuDGRG4McOyFsuNzU9hcY46ventvFQ40rGOn-A_wWfec9shy5cFYMcVgLV-I/s1600/Standing_in_the_Light.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFPoISsKvQYAO2Ja7CeAEJcP8clxmzrDC6AHmCbkW2hitvJTx3KNbQ_wyUK4gAtfewcXoLOT2hUeo17Xp4nuDGRG4McOyFsuNzU9hcY46ventvFQ40rGOn-A_wWfec9shy5cFYMcVgLV-I/s320/Standing_in_the_Light.jpg" width="244" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">The world keeps making it known to me that life is not fair. I get it. I more then get it. But I am no longer strong and I can't take any more so please... just stop.</span><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/141/527468BF8EF7A24433D73FD44C0CC458.png" style="border: 0 !important; background: transparent;"/></a>
Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-53547007942360926102012-09-24T21:30:00.003-04:002012-09-24T21:57:35.197-04:00Enough!<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Over and over again I feel like I've reached my breaking point. Yet each new month brings more struggles and heartache.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I just tried IVF again and I had a "chemical loss". </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Yet
another close friend is pregnant with baby number two for as long as I
have been trying to START my family! :( This makes six
people in my life that have had or about to have their second child while
I've been struggling, miscarrying, and losing my precious baby girls. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I
spent time with my ill grandmother this weekend and she is experiencing
unbearable pain from her most recent surgery. She cried a lot and
wondered out loud what she had done to deserve her pain. While the rational part of my brain knows this is a terrible and untrue line of thought I find myself wondering the same thing. What have I done in my life to make this so hard? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I am beyond words or tears tonight. The hole in my heart is a big one. I am done with positivity and I don't want to hear one more person tell me that it will happen or that I am meant to be a mother. No one knows that to be true.</span><br />
<br /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I can't take any more loss yet I have to keep trying. </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/141/527468BF8EF7A24433D73FD44C0CC458.png" style="background: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; border-right: 0px; border-top: 0px;" /></a>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-83802134806652045912012-09-05T06:23:00.000-04:002012-09-05T06:23:30.192-04:00Six Months<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:DocumentProperties>
<o:Version>12.00</o:Version>
</o:DocumentProperties>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/>
<w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
<w:Word11KerningPairs/>
<w:CachedColBalance/>
</w:Compatibility>
<w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:auto;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:auto;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
Today, September 5, six months have passed since my little ones were born as
angels.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
I can’t believe I lost my beautiful girls six months ago. It
doesn’t seem right that life just seems to keep marching on. Most of the time I
feel like I am playing a part in a play. I keep hoping that one of these days
life will feel real again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
So many songs hurt me now. But none more than when “Without
You” (David Guetta featuring Usher) comes on the radio. If that seems like a
weird song – it is – in a way. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is
a bit of a dance vibe to parts of the song – but the rest is slow and the
lyrics hit home. My girls were born on a Monday night. I went home with empty
arms and heart on Wednesday evening. Saturday morning was my girls’ funeral. I
woke up before anyone else in the house and had to make a run out to CVS for
pantyhose. As I drove home I turned on the radio and “Without You” came on. I
cried like there was no tomorrow. I pulled in the garage and just sat there and
sobbed along to the song.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t
believe this day was real. Was I really going to have to bury the girls I
thought Brendan and I were going to get to raise and love and cherish all of
our lives? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
“I can't win, I can't reign <br />
I will never win this game <br />
Without you, without you <br />
I am lost, I am vain, <br />
I will never be the same <br />
Without you, without you <br />
<br />
I won't run, I won't fly <br />
I will never make it by <br />
Without you, without you <br />
I can't rest, I can't fight <br />
All I need is you and I, <br />
Without you, without you <br />
<br />
Can't erase, so I'll take blame <br />
But I can't accept that we're estranged <br />
Without you, without you <br />
I can't quit now, this can't be right <br />
I can't take one more sleepless night <br />
Without you, without you <br />
<br />
I won't soar, I won't climb <br />
If you're not here, I'm paralyzed <br />
Without you, without you <br />
I can't look, I'm so blind <br />
I lost my heart, I lost my mind <br />
Without you, without you <br />
<br />
I am lost, I am vain, <br />
I will never be the same <br />
Without you, without you <br />
Without... you”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
After the song ended I did my best to pull myself together
and walk into the house to officially get started on the day.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
The few days I had been home from the hospital had not only
been painful emotionally but also very painful physically. I hadn’t expected my
milk to come in and that brought so much discomfort. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It also brought even more distress that my
body was producing something for my babies that I couldn’t give them. My body
had betrayed me in so many ways yet it slapped me in the face by producing
milk. It wasn’t fair.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<br />
A very good friend loaned me her black maternity dress for
the day of the funeral. I wore a pink scarf and pink heart earrings in honor of
my little girls. I also bought an angel pin for my coat. It was a very cold,
cold March day. I just wanted it to be over already. My parents and my one
sister and her husband were staying with us. My husband’s parents and brother
and sister-in-law joined us that morning and we all drove over. The cemetery is
literally two streets away from our house. My husband’s best friend since
childhood and his wife (my sweet friend who loaned me her dress) joined us
there – they had done all the work to help us find the cemetery and funeral
home when we were in the hospital. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
The Monsignor walked across the street from the Church and
met us at the gravesite. Sitting there was the smallest white casket. Two lambs
were pictured on the casket along with my girls’ names. Inside the casket I had
asked the funeral director to place two small stuffed lambs with the girls. Two
letters had also been placed inside that my husband and I had written.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
As I stood there looking at the casket the service began.
Tears started coming and then all I remember is barely being able to breathe or
stand. My husband and my Mom propped me up on either side and my Dad rubbed my
back. All I could do was cry and stare at that damn casket that held my girls
instead of me. Why were my girls going into the ground instead of being inside
me where they belonged? I barely remember a word of the service because I
couldn’t stop heaving and couldn’t hear the Monsignor over my own ragged sobs.
I tried to stop because I wanted to remember the words the Monsignor was
saying. But I couldn’t. I could barely stand. Then it was over. Then I had to lay
little pink roses on top of their casket and walk away. I had to leave them and
know they were going into the cold hard ground. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQn4if0prmRUQkcGjsVYVpA70NtQ_PebuRSS7YsHi4pVmu1dCi5JFea7kyBWUpIRL-amDe3rzKyjDKDr6D4t-JlcLA3YExfCLXL_5vcpcxCHdHfhleBbaZuNtrZAE9OdN04P_6tJ3jZLN1/s1600/7011934827_d478c8db9d.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQn4if0prmRUQkcGjsVYVpA70NtQ_PebuRSS7YsHi4pVmu1dCi5JFea7kyBWUpIRL-amDe3rzKyjDKDr6D4t-JlcLA3YExfCLXL_5vcpcxCHdHfhleBbaZuNtrZAE9OdN04P_6tJ3jZLN1/s320/7011934827_d478c8db9d.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
Giving birth to angels on the previous Monday was pain
beyond what I can describe. However, I also experienced great love and wonder as I held my
girls in my arms and looked over their beautiful features.
Recognizing my husband and myself in them. Counting their tiny perfect fingers
and toes. When I left the hospital without my girls two days later it was
another awful pain. Knowing that wasn’t how it was supposed to be. But the
actual funeral was the darkest and worst moments of losing my babies. I was
leaving them in the ground. I was having to say good-bye.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
All I can do is pray that I will be with them again someday
in Heaven. I cannot wait to hold them in my arms again and tell them how much I
love them. How much I have always loved them. I want to kiss their sweet cheeks
and just snuggle them forever. I pray for that day more than I can ever begin
to express. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
Mommy loves you, sweet angels. xxoo</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/141/527468BF8EF7A24433D73FD44C0CC458.png" style="background: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; border-right: 0px; border-top: 0px;" /></a>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-38508121365142082542012-08-04T11:36:00.002-04:002012-08-04T11:36:54.167-04:00Hurting<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I have been away longer than I expected. I went away for a couple weeks and had a good vacation. Every day kept me very busy and right now those kinds of days are definitely the best. While I was away the original due date of my beautiful girls passed by. When I returned I wanted to do something special at their grave. However I have only been able to go once and I only stayed for a few minutes. I am overwhelmed with my grief and I am doing everything I can to keep it bottled up and not have it spill over. I am sick of being sad. I am sick of always being on the verge of tears. </span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I love my girls more than I can say but sometimes I wish none of this had ever happened because living with the day to day sadness is tiring. I do have happy days. I am not trying to say I am never not happy because that isn't true. But the pain is always there and as much as I try to deny it I can't make it go away. I wish I could because I'm so tired of hurting.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivhQON1ARbb9ypkjeKNQFjsOKEB0mll_33caGD66IdtQa1sHEP0cjBF77llVTZGlikQUVgO4bqHE5n_tbj3LVXieddJ0-UCko1R1Ok6cVuT2mQBxIEPNNfof7c76l4ohCwUsYh2ANEpgza/s1600/403184_321206191258578_162680380444494_868701_1742752118_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivhQON1ARbb9ypkjeKNQFjsOKEB0mll_33caGD66IdtQa1sHEP0cjBF77llVTZGlikQUVgO4bqHE5n_tbj3LVXieddJ0-UCko1R1Ok6cVuT2mQBxIEPNNfof7c76l4ohCwUsYh2ANEpgza/s1600/403184_321206191258578_162680380444494_868701_1742752118_n.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/141/527468BF8EF7A24433D73FD44C0CC458.png" style="background: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; border-right: 0px; border-top: 0px;" /></a>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-77265478890343880422012-06-30T14:18:00.001-04:002012-06-30T14:18:23.877-04:00What's Supposed to Be<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
I don't get to be a Mom. Not the kind of Mom I wanted to be. Even though my actual due date hasn't arrived, I probably would have had my girls by now. They should be here with me. In my arms. Crying. Smiling. Flailing. Grasping. Loving. </div>
<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
I shouldn't be sleeping in late this summer. I'm supposed to be exhausted because I am up all night feeding two little baby girls. I'm supposed to be changing a million diapers. I'm supposed to be happy. I am supposed to be over-the-moon happy. I'm supposed to be going crazy figuring out all their different cries. I'm supposed to be taking pictures of the girls and Daddy sleeping together. I'm supposed to be putting on cute little outfits only to have to change them due to spit up or other fun surprises. I'm supposed to be calling my Mom over every little worry. I'm supposed to be annoying people on Facebook with how many pictures I am posting of my girls. I'm supposed to have a messy house. I'm supposed to have visitors ooohing and ahhhing over my girls. I'm supposed to be begging my girls to sleep at the same time for at least a few hours. I'm supposed to hug... cuddle... snuggle and love on my girls morning, noon and night. </div>
<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; text-align: center;">
I don't get to be THAT kind of Mom.</div>
<br>
<br>
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/141/527468BF8EF7A24433D73FD44C0CC458.png" style="background: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; border-right: 0px; border-top: 0px;" /></a>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-30280347426674355412012-06-22T13:33:00.001-04:002012-06-22T13:33:17.651-04:00Pretty in Pink<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzRTwVIu7HeFiQ-W9_HEbvCat5BsElQJKOBZbwtMO-aLerX_DsrsiK_f7f2qlT8LgrZ9VFFaWgD0ANBSuAS_n3RfoLqjZr6SEgZ221xpMLOYIAtdg9qQRubyZubmvOJ63CcMQjSHfTS4ZU/s1600/MariahJuliette.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" rca="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzRTwVIu7HeFiQ-W9_HEbvCat5BsElQJKOBZbwtMO-aLerX_DsrsiK_f7f2qlT8LgrZ9VFFaWgD0ANBSuAS_n3RfoLqjZr6SEgZ221xpMLOYIAtdg9qQRubyZubmvOJ63CcMQjSHfTS4ZU/s400/MariahJuliette.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">A while ago I ordered the beautiful photograph above from CarlyMarie, a photographer in Australia. She sufferred the loss of her son Christian in 2007 and in the ensuing years has felt called to help others who have lost their children. She has a website called <a href="http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/about/about-carlymarie-project-heal" target="_blank">CarlyMarie Project Heal</a>. She is a talented photographer and writer and I am grateful to artists like her and D. Antonia Truesdale that share their gifts with the world and bring baby loss mothers comfort and hope for tomorrow.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">I bring pink roses to my girls at the cemetery (just like the roses in the butterflies!) and I recently bought little pink butterflies to put in the ground at their site. My husband and I have begun talking about what kind of headstone we want for our girls. We are hopefully meeting with someone soon to discuss options and cost... I don't have a clue about anything in this area. Ideally I would love a pink granite headstone in the shape of a heart.</span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"> I mostly think of my girls as my little lambs so hopefully I will be able to find lambs for the headstone to put next to their names somehow. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">With school out for summer I am still managing to stay very busy. My husband is away for work so I am traveling with him and I also traveled home for a short visit with my family. My husband booked us a trip to California this summer so I am also just beginning to plan that. I am looking forward to this trip but also worried because my due date for the girls falls while we are away. Maybe it will be better to be away and busy on that day...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br /></span><a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/141/527468BF8EF7A24433D73FD44C0CC458.png" style="background: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; border-right: 0px; border-top: 0px;" /></a>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-1419043936835155072012-06-08T20:06:00.001-04:002012-06-08T21:04:59.309-04:00Hiding<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I have had a lot of distractions lately. The biggest one being that it is the end of the school year and I am swamped with the seemingly never ending to do list before the last day of school arrives. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I adore my class this year. Don't get me wrong, I love my students every year. But this class is different in that they are an extremely cohesive group of Kindergarteners. They are (for the most part) kind to each other, hard workers, good listeners and just plain cute and sweet. I work hard every year to build a solid classroom community in the first few months of school but this year it seemed to happen immediately. The students just click and work together very well. I have never been less stressed with a class in my whole eleven years of teaching!! When I got pregnant early in the school year I thought maybe I had been blessed with such an easygoing class because of my pregnancy. Now I know why I was really blessed with this class. My students and their parents supported me while I was in the hospital and out of school for a month and helped me daily when I returned. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">My End of the Year Celebration with my students is a big deal. We invite their parents and do a lot to prepare for the celebration. I make a slide show with the kids pictures from throughout the year and I record each students' voice sharing about their favorite part of Kindergarten. We also collect pictures of the parents and the students glue those pictures to a sun that is glued on a popsicle stick. The students sing "You are My Sunshine" to their parents while holding the suns. They are just too cute when they do this and it is my favorite part every year!! </span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I then invite the parents to share something about their child that they are proud of from the past year. At the very end I always thank the parents for all they have done to support their child throughout the year. This year I had prepared a tiny speech to thank the parents for not only how they supported their children but for how they reached out to me during the most difficult period of my life. I really wanted them to know how they touched my heart and how much it meant to me that they showed how much they cared. When I started to thank them I immediately started to cry... and not just any cry, the ugly cry! I could not get out the words because every time I tried my face just contorted and I couldn't get anything out. I know they understood what I was trying to say and I was so grateful when all my students came running to hug me as I was crying. Being rushed by 25 kiddos gave me a "graceful" out to stop trying to talk when I obviously just couldn't verbalize what I wanted. It didn't help my emotions that my End of the Year Celebration was on the third month anniversary of the day I gave birth to my beautiful girls.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I am really sad to see this school year come to an end. I would have thought I'd be even more ready than usual to see the last day of school arrive. It seems like just one more loss to get through as I say goodbye to such an amazing and beautiful group of boys and girls. I always call my class a family and I've never meant it more than this year.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">All this end of the year craziness has allowed me to hide from my daily pain with my girls. Not that I haven't been in pain - but I have been pushing it down and just trying to get through without addressing it... giving in to it... acknowledging it. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I wonder how long I can keep hiding.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4_nk6cW73nfxTrHwxx_Ty_wSNtS-mb2xYTQckyvxJ2nbVS6IAgrbkQpS_UnNDG72EJ0owPyEIHxORnFJ53cu4h26a2MJ5jVwyWbLUIHkQ2CcaPUjXFeDsQU9losDpCqpT8_jLlQqWrQ63/s1600/554824_389487171097146_475620875_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="328" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4_nk6cW73nfxTrHwxx_Ty_wSNtS-mb2xYTQckyvxJ2nbVS6IAgrbkQpS_UnNDG72EJ0owPyEIHxORnFJ53cu4h26a2MJ5jVwyWbLUIHkQ2CcaPUjXFeDsQU9losDpCqpT8_jLlQqWrQ63/s400/554824_389487171097146_475620875_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">From the <a href="http://www.facebook.com/pages/Grieving-Mothers/162680380444494" target="_blank">Grieving Mother's</a> facebook page</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/141/527468BF8EF7A24433D73FD44C0CC458.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-69668388662674760502012-05-22T00:54:00.001-04:002012-05-22T07:01:54.397-04:00Shattered<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
It is so hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I keep trying the whole "fake it until you make it" mantra... and sometimes I even fool myself for a couple days. Life feels normal. I am my old "happy" self and nothing is wrong. Except it isn't true. Everything is wrong. And I am so tired pretending like everything is fine when it isn't. I lost my girls. I am so desperately unhappy. And I know my pain isn't greater than anyone else's but on a night like tonight I just don't know what to do with it. It is so overwhelming. I can't believe this is my life right now. My worst nightmare actually happened. I was so close to my dream and it turned out so completely wrong. I am broken.
</div>
<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
My heart is a million shattered pieces of pain.
</div>
<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
I want my girls.
</div>
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/141/527468BF8EF7A24433D73FD44C0CC458.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-13872090571468337372012-05-14T19:40:00.000-04:002012-05-14T19:52:17.958-04:00Roses<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">"...that which we call a rose</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">By any other name would smell as sweet." </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">~Shakespeare, <i>Romeo and Juliet</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiX_9PMi8y3lcTX1v5IbqWqYSn_iQxANemjVK0ufOIw10yJLkVRrjnvdg2W7VNr9u7nJ-ym42LxmJCe7ZmJP26pcCGPIwV_m7SvjwB_HJPg1lqaUBKCGqNrujTDjYF6Nt2zrBYJUW7gyXnj/s1600/IMG_1301.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiX_9PMi8y3lcTX1v5IbqWqYSn_iQxANemjVK0ufOIw10yJLkVRrjnvdg2W7VNr9u7nJ-ym42LxmJCe7ZmJP26pcCGPIwV_m7SvjwB_HJPg1lqaUBKCGqNrujTDjYF6Nt2zrBYJUW7gyXnj/s320/IMG_1301.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">The first bloom on one of the two rose bushes that my best friends planted in memory of my beautiful girls. The rose first bloomed yesterday, on Mother's Day. Thank you my Mariah & Juliette!!! What a perfect gift you sent me!! XO XO</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">My wonderful hubby also surprised me with roses yesterday, along with a sweet card. He made me feel loved, special, and also recognized me as a Mom which meant the world to me. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip8LtAC7rn6n4fGGkL0OLMit9R8EJh5SLPEb6491HvjX0lixF7koQYvBsaF-1bRtTOeNYvbN5Bt83OlMzHgBD6ISI6GMiwSqT6R3N68k4A3_T6KmPwdX_5fd-377L6n0uOoDFDcnDrCCit/s1600/IMG_1308.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip8LtAC7rn6n4fGGkL0OLMit9R8EJh5SLPEb6491HvjX0lixF7koQYvBsaF-1bRtTOeNYvbN5Bt83OlMzHgBD6ISI6GMiwSqT6R3N68k4A3_T6KmPwdX_5fd-377L6n0uOoDFDcnDrCCit/s320/IMG_1308.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I love you, my husband!! XO</span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">My broken heart cried many tears yesterday... sometimes they seem never ending. But loved ones lifted my spirits from morning until night. I received phone calls, texts, facebook messages and emails from family and friends - both old & new. Thank you to everyone who thought of me and recognized me as a Mommy yesterday. It's such a strange new world to navigate as I figure out how I fit in on a day like yesterday. I know for many of us that have angel babies we keep putting one foot in front of the other in order to honor our babies and to honor our future rainbows... and with every step I like to believe we are getting stronger. </span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/141/527468BF8EF7A24433D73FD44C0CC458.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-33575665331436974102012-05-13T11:16:00.000-04:002012-05-13T11:35:54.968-04:00Mother's Day<iframe width="500" height="284" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/pxZhEcTzn6Q" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I hate today.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I hate it even more than I thought I would.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Mommy loves you Mariah & Juliette. Mommy loves you!</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<iframe width="500" height="284" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/zz0Rhk9NJ9Y" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/141/527468BF8EF7A24433D73FD44C0CC458.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3839218637992409472.post-12824617597127114992012-05-12T14:40:00.002-04:002012-05-12T14:57:15.598-04:00Blink of an Eye<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I really thought this was going to be the best Mother's Day ever in my life... pregnant with my two girls. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I was catching up on some television this week and on one of my shows they had the most beautiful baby girl. She was cooing and smiling and just so perfectly sweet. The tears just started flowing and I couldn't stop them. I've been around a few babies the last couple months and my heart always aches but this was the first time I cried just looking at a precious baby. What I wanted so much. What I thought would be mine.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Life changes in a blink of an eye... today I am trying to hold on to the words below and pray that they are true. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgtEvF8OzoLN-oBpm5IupK1Rf5anHQV2ffgbGeO3mP-aDVLjAbW9Z1XD3427hkAV1TC862WjyxJz6Wzo7SBfSrGpU_XbAuKtDIj3Nd3FVfVgA76uOsVo1870lcqQTLDMPSKirmr9wVaDGY/s1600/BlinkofanEye.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgtEvF8OzoLN-oBpm5IupK1Rf5anHQV2ffgbGeO3mP-aDVLjAbW9Z1XD3427hkAV1TC862WjyxJz6Wzo7SBfSrGpU_XbAuKtDIj3Nd3FVfVgA76uOsVo1870lcqQTLDMPSKirmr9wVaDGY/s400/BlinkofanEye.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54490/141/527468BF8EF7A24433D73FD44C0CC458.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16691081848110530219noreply@blogger.com0