Approaching Two Years...

It is an odd place to be right now... my rainbow baby came in early January and I'm overwhelmed with happiness. During my pregnancy I was so scared to be happy. Being in the babyloss community I know the many things that can go wrong. Each week was scary but each week I let myself believe more and more that my dream for a baby might come true this time. Giving birth to my angel girls was such an inexplicable feeling. I knew my Mariah had already passed but I still couldn't wait to hold her and then my heart broke as I realized labor started with Juliette and there was no chance to save her. However I can truly say there were moments of true happiness when I held my baby girls - oh so tiny but completely perfect. At the same time my heart was completely broken and the scars on my heart will always be there. Delivering my rainbow baby was a completely different experience... one still filled with anxiety but also filled with hope and love as I was about to meet my sweet girl.

During the first week with my 'lil baby I had so many different feelings. One night I cried because I was so happy to be holding my baby girl who was living and breathing - I felt so lucky and blessed as I looked at her little face. But I also had feelings of guilt for being so happy when I didn't have my two angels. As the two year angelversary approaches I am hoping to find a way to live better with my two different feelings of overwhelming love and heartbreak and guilt. I will never understand why my body couldn't protect and keep my girls safe and with me.

I am hoping my girls' headstone will be in place in time for their angelversary. It has arrived but due to the weather it might not be placed in time. Hopefully the weather will be decent and I can bring my rainbow baby to meet where her sisters will forever sleep.

Babyloss Remembrance Day

I love my Mariah & Juliette!!! They are a part of me always and I know they are taking care of me and keeping their little sister (due in January) safe and sound where she belongs.

I'm Sorry

I haven't visited my girls in a while. I miss them. But I can't physically bring myself to go there. There are a myriad of reasons why but right now I just want my girls to know that I'm so sorry.

My husband and I have picked out a headstone. It will be pink and in the shape of a heart. We are just figuring out a few of the finer details. We have chosen a small stone so we can't add any words to the stone other than the girls' names and date. We can, however, have lambs and roses on the stone so I'm figuring out the placement and what I like. I want it to be perfect. 

It's a little overwhelming in terms of cost. I wish money didn't have to factor in for something like this. You don't get much of a "payment plan" for headstones or from the cemetery to place the headstone. But we're not going to let it stop us from doing what we want for our girls.

I love you, my beautiful girls. I'm so sorry I haven't visited. Though I haven't physically been to the cemetery Mommy holds you in her heart every day. I love you, always.

Happy Mother's Day

Infertility Week

I haven't been writing lately because I have nothing to say. I'm all tapped out. I'm sad and empty 24/7 and it's tiring.

Below is another good blog post I read describing infertility - click on the link "Can You Imagine?" if you'd like to read.

Can You Imagine?

Three Strikes...

and I'm out.

I just tried IVF for the third time since I lost my girls and I just got the negative news today, on Easter no less, that I'm not pregnant. 

My Faith is broken. I am broken.

The Pain of Infertility

I came across this link today and it perfectly describes what I'm going through with my husband. I wish I could post this on my Facebook page but my husband and I share many friends and he's much more private than I am so... I will at least post the link here. 

The post below is from the man's perspective.

http://ow.ly/jxRu5

Lost

March 5, 2013

Mariah & Juliette’s 1^st Angelversary

I’m at such a loss for today. 

My heart is broken. It’s empty. It’s drowning in tears. It hurts beyond all understanding. 

I so miss my beautiful little girls. I miss what should have been. 

I’m so grateful I got to hold them in my arms. Look at their precious and perfect features. The love I have for my girls has forever changed me.

But all the things I didn’t get to do completely overwhelm me. I wanted them more than I could ever express. I will never understand losing my girls. Their loss has also forever changed me. 

My whole life I have wanted a family. I literally couldn't have been happier the day I learned I was having twin girls. I sometimes feel like I was just too happy that day. I was getting everything I ever wanted and maybe it was more than one person deserves.

I pray my girls in heaven can hear me. I hope they know how much I wanted them. How much I love them. How much I miss them every single second of every day. I just want to hold them and love on them so much. I would give anything to turn back time and have things turn out differently. 

As long as I live you live

As long as I live you will be remembered

As long as I live you will be LOVED!!

Hell

February 27th is a day I will hate for the rest of my life. 

One year ago today my water broke at school. 

I was 20 weeks along. I thought I was safe. 

My life changed forever. 

Whatever I thought had been difficult in my life prior to that day can't hold a candle to what I experienced in the days following February 27th, 2012. 

I feel robbed of the life I should be living with my beautiful girls. 

I have no words today... I feel empty.

Favorite Pictures

Since this summer I have downloaded well over one hundred pictures and quotes on Pinterest that speak to me in my grief. I have added them to My Favorite Pictures page.

 

Safe Haven

This blog is my safe haven. The place I come when I am feeling at my worst. I typically only write when I am having a hard time so please know that on a day-to-day basis I am actually hanging in and doing okay.

Time seems to be flying by. It's getting close to being a full year since my angels left this world. I don't even know what I want to do for their day. What do I even call the day? Though I delivered them that day does it still count as their birthday if they were born as angels? I've heard some families refer to it as an angelversary. I feel upset that I don't even know how to refer to March 5th.

I've always been a rather hopeful person. Someone that thinks everything will all work out. Now I know it doesn't. If I'm lucky I will someday still be a mother but I'll never get to be a Mom to my Mariah & Juliette. And I used to agree with people when they used the phrase "everything happens for a reason." When someone now says that phrase to me it takes all my self control to not show my rage and despair... instead I choke out "I'm not sure I agree" and then try to change the subject. I don't believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes things happen for no reason at all. No explanation.

My feelings of jealousy continue to overwhelm me. I hate this feeling. I hate that it can overshadow my happiness for friends and even innocent strangers. I hate being this person. I'm not this person all the time but it comes and goes. All I want to do a lot of the time is cry. I keep it at bay and keep trying to "fake it until I make it". It's good to at least be faking I'm okay because it does keep me going. But it's hard seeing people make it past week 20 and 21 of their pregnancy without issue. Why couldn't that be me? Why couldn't my girls be safe and happy in my arms instead of buried in the cold hard ground? 

Other people who have experienced loss are already well on their way to having their rainbow babies. Why can't I? My age and unexplained infertility issues hurt me and and upset me. I know I am running out of time to have the family I so desperately want.

I'm going to continue trying IVF. According to my doctors I have every reason to believe it can and will work. But I don't know how to feel as I try again. When I first tried again after the girls I wasn't ready to feel hopeful so instead I went in thinking it probably wouldn't work. Then when it didn't work (or technically it worked but I lost it right away) I blamed myself and my negative outlook. When I tried again the second time I was very hopeful. I prayed for a Christmas miracle. I talked to my belly and told Baby Boyle to hang in there and stick around this time. My husband and I even visited the girls' grave to pray for their help. When I lost it again I was devastated. I cried for days. I can't do that to myself again. Either way I lose. 

I have so much in my life. I am an extremely lucky person. I have the most wonderful family, the best friends, a job I love, a dream home to share with my dream husband... but I lost my dream girls at 21 weeks.  They were everything I had dared to hope for and I was only able to hold them in my arms for a few hours. I never got to see them smile. I never got to see their precious eyes look at me. Instead I now pray to them to tell them how much I love them. I pray to my beautiful girls to send their Mommy and Daddy a sibling to have here on earth.

In This Moment - I Give Up

It hurts too much. 

I had another "chemical loss" with my latest try with IVF.

The doctor says I'm doing everything right and that my body is responding well. The embryos for the last two IVF rounds must have been "bad". What does that even mean?

All I know is it is getting harder to breathe.

I am jealous, so jealous it physically hurts, of all the pregnant people in my life and of all the beautiful babies. I am envious and at the same time have tremendous guilt for my feelings. I am happy for all my friends and loved ones but it hurts too - it aches and I can't make it stop.

All I feel is despair over loss after loss.

My dreams just keep slipping through my fingers and it hurts more than I can take.

I can't stop crying this week. I cry alone. In my car. In the closet at work. In bed at night.

I was so hopeful this time around. I was believing in miracles. I was praying to my beautiful girls. I was believing in the magic of the season.

The last two Christmases I was pregnant and hopeful. This Christmas I am left empty.

I am nothing but a broken heart.

Unanswerable Question

School has been a bit all consuming as of late. Just before Thanksgiving I had my parent-teacher conferences. Most conferences went smoothly and a few were a bit stressful. Overall they were successful and I had positive interactions with parents. Two different parents asked me if I had children. I simply said "No, not yet." Both of the parents then responded that I would make a wonderful parent some day because I am so great with the Kindergarteners in my class.

This interaction made my heart happy and sad all at once. In answering that I didn't have children I felt I was denying my beautiful girls. However, it just didn't seem appropriate to answer that I have angel babies. I didn't want to make the parents uncomfortable and have to explain things and then make it awkward to continue the conference. 

I just don't have a good answer to that question that makes me comfortable. Any answer I give invites pain of some sort and I'd rather not make someone else uncomfortable in the process.

Can't Go Anywhere

I have been having a hard time lately. 

On Pinterest today I found this quote:

"That moment when you

can actually feel the pain

in your chest from seeing

or hearing something that

breaks your heart." 

On some days it doesn't take much. Today I was trying to run some errands, already having a heavy heart, and I saw twin baby girls in a double stroller. My heart broke in a million pieces right there.

I truly hate life right now.  The loss of my beautiful girls along with my struggles with infertility are too much to bear sometimes.

When people tell me that they aren't sure they'll have another baby because it's taking too long the second or third time around I always feel great sympathy. However, that feeling evaporates when "too long" means under six months. Really, that's a "long" time????? I know all things are relative and that it must feel like forever for people who are used to getting pregnant quickly, but it more than bugs me... these days it makes me angry. When people carelessly talk about how they'll never get pregnant again after they've already had one child quickly and it's taking more than a few months the second time - it is upsetting to me. I know it shouldn't upset me so much... but my heart strings are pretty taut right now and my emotions right along with them. I hope my plastic smile doesn't give away how I'm truly feeling.

Please

On a day like today I need to believe this...

The world keeps making it known to me that life is not fair. I get it. I more then get it. But I am no longer strong and I can't take any more so please... just stop.

Enough!

Over and over again I feel like I've reached my breaking point. Yet each new month brings more struggles and heartache.

I just tried IVF again and I had a "chemical loss".

Yet another close friend is pregnant with baby number two for as long as I have been trying to START my family! :( This makes six people in my life that have had or about to have their second child while I've been struggling, miscarrying, and losing my precious baby girls. 

I spent time with my ill grandmother this weekend and she is experiencing unbearable pain from her most recent surgery. She cried a lot and wondered out loud what she had done to deserve her pain. While the rational part of my brain knows this is a terrible and untrue line of thought I find myself wondering the same thing. What have I done in my life to make this so hard?

I am beyond words or tears tonight. The hole in my heart is a big one. I am done with positivity and I don't want to hear one more person tell me that it will happen or that I am meant to be a mother. No one knows that to be true.

I can't take any more loss yet I have to keep trying.

Six Months

Today, September 5, six months have passed since my little ones were born as angels.

I can’t believe I lost my beautiful girls six months ago. It doesn’t seem right that life just seems to keep marching on. Most of the time I feel like I am playing a part in a play. I keep hoping that one of these days life will feel real again.

So many songs hurt me now. But none more than when “Without You” (David Guetta featuring Usher) comes on the radio. If that seems like a weird song – it is – in a way.  There is a bit of a dance vibe to parts of the song – but the rest is slow and the lyrics hit home. My girls were born on a Monday night. I went home with empty arms and heart on Wednesday evening. Saturday morning was my girls’ funeral. I woke up before anyone else in the house and had to make a run out to CVS for pantyhose. As I drove home I turned on the radio and “Without You” came on. I cried like there was no tomorrow. I pulled in the garage and just sat there and sobbed along to the song.  I couldn’t believe this day was real. Was I really going to have to bury the girls I thought Brendan and I were going to get to raise and love and cherish all of our lives? 

“I can't win, I can't reign
I will never win this game
Without you, without you
I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you

I won't run, I won't fly
I will never make it by
Without you, without you
I can't rest, I can't fight
All I need is you and I,
Without you, without you

Can't erase, so I'll take blame
But I can't accept that we're estranged
Without you, without you
I can't quit now, this can't be right
I can't take one more sleepless night
Without you, without you

I won't soar, I won't climb
If you're not here, I'm paralyzed
Without you, without you
I can't look, I'm so blind
I lost my heart, I lost my mind
Without you, without you

I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you
Without... you”

After the song ended I did my best to pull myself together and walk into the house to officially get started on the day.

The few days I had been home from the hospital had not only been painful emotionally but also very painful physically. I hadn’t expected my milk to come in and that brought so much discomfort.  It also brought even more distress that my body was producing something for my babies that I couldn’t give them. My body had betrayed me in so many ways yet it slapped me in the face by producing milk. It wasn’t fair.

A very good friend loaned me her black maternity dress for the day of the funeral. I wore a pink scarf and pink heart earrings in honor of my little girls. I also bought an angel pin for my coat. It was a very cold, cold March day. I just wanted it to be over already. My parents and my one sister and her husband were staying with us. My husband’s parents and brother and sister-in-law joined us that morning and we all drove over. The cemetery is literally two streets away from our house. My husband’s best friend since childhood and his wife (my sweet friend who loaned me her dress) joined us there – they had done all the work to help us find the cemetery and funeral home when we were in the hospital.  

The Monsignor walked across the street from the Church and met us at the gravesite. Sitting there was the smallest white casket. Two lambs were pictured on the casket along with my girls’ names. Inside the casket I had asked the funeral director to place two small stuffed lambs with the girls. Two letters had also been placed inside that my husband and I had written.

As I stood there looking at the casket the service began. Tears started coming and then all I remember is barely being able to breathe or stand. My husband and my Mom propped me up on either side and my Dad rubbed my back. All I could do was cry and stare at that damn casket that held my girls instead of me. Why were my girls going into the ground instead of being inside me where they belonged? I barely remember a word of the service because I couldn’t stop heaving and couldn’t hear the Monsignor over my own ragged sobs. I tried to stop because I wanted to remember the words the Monsignor was saying. But I couldn’t. I could barely stand. Then it was over. Then I had to lay little pink roses on top of their casket and walk away. I had to leave them and know they were going into the cold hard ground. 

Giving birth to angels on the previous Monday was pain beyond what I can describe. However, I also experienced great love and wonder as I held my girls in my arms and looked over their beautiful features. Recognizing my husband and myself in them. Counting their tiny perfect fingers and toes. When I left the hospital without my girls two days later it was another awful pain. Knowing that wasn’t how it was supposed to be. But the actual funeral was the darkest and worst moments of losing my babies. I was leaving them in the ground. I was having to say good-bye.

All I can do is pray that I will be with them again someday in Heaven. I cannot wait to hold them in my arms again and tell them how much I love them. How much I have always loved them. I want to kiss their sweet cheeks and just snuggle them forever. I pray for that day more than I can ever begin to express. 

Mommy loves you, sweet angels. xxoo

Hurting

I have been away longer than I expected. I went away for a couple weeks and had a good vacation. Every day kept me very busy and right now those kinds of days are definitely the best. While I was away the original due date of my beautiful girls passed by. When I returned I wanted to do something special at their grave. However I have only been able to go once and I only stayed for a few minutes. I am overwhelmed with my grief and I am doing everything I can to keep it bottled up and not have it spill over. I am sick of being sad. I am sick of always being on the verge of tears. I love my girls more than I can say but sometimes I wish none of this had ever happened because living with the day to day sadness is tiring. I do have happy days. I am not trying to say I am never not happy because that isn't true. But the pain is always there and as much as I try to deny it I can't make it go away. I wish I could because I'm so tired of hurting.

What's Supposed to Be

I don't get to be a Mom. Not the kind of Mom I wanted to be. Even though my actual due date hasn't arrived, I probably would have had my girls by now. They should be here with me. In my arms. Crying. Smiling. Flailing. Grasping. Loving. 

I shouldn't be sleeping in late this summer. I'm supposed to be exhausted because I am up all night feeding two little baby girls. I'm supposed to be changing a million diapers. I'm supposed to be happy. I am supposed to be over-the-moon happy. I'm supposed to be going crazy figuring out all their different cries. I'm supposed to be taking pictures of the girls and Daddy sleeping together. I'm supposed to be putting on cute little outfits only to have to change them due to spit up or other fun surprises. I'm supposed to be calling my Mom over every little worry. I'm supposed to be annoying people on Facebook with how many pictures I am posting of my girls. I'm supposed to have a messy house. I'm supposed to have visitors ooohing and ahhhing over my girls. I'm supposed to be begging my girls to sleep at the same time for at least a few hours. I'm supposed to hug... cuddle... snuggle and love on my girls morning, noon and night. 

I don't get to be THAT kind of Mom.

Pretty in Pink

A while ago I ordered the beautiful photograph above from CarlyMarie, a photographer in Australia. She sufferred the loss of her son Christian in 2007 and in the ensuing years has felt called to help others who have lost their children. She has a website called CarlyMarie Project Heal. She is a talented photographer and writer and I am grateful to artists like her and D. Antonia Truesdale that share their gifts with the world and bring baby loss mothers comfort and hope for tomorrow.

I bring pink roses to my girls at the cemetery (just like the roses in the butterflies!) and I recently bought little pink butterflies to put in the ground at their site. My husband and I have begun talking about what kind of headstone we want for our girls. We are hopefully meeting with someone soon to discuss options and cost... I don't have a clue about anything in this area. Ideally I would love a pink granite headstone in the shape of a heart. I mostly think of my girls as my little lambs so hopefully I will be able to find lambs for the headstone to put next to their names somehow.

With school out for summer I am still managing to stay very busy. My husband is away for work so I am traveling with him and I also traveled home for a short visit with my family. My husband booked us a trip to California this summer so I am also just beginning to plan that. I am looking forward to this trip but also worried because my due date for the girls falls while we are away. Maybe it will be better to be away and busy on that day...