Safe Haven

This blog is my safe haven. The place I come when I am feeling at my worst. I typically only write when I am having a hard time so please know that on a day-to-day basis I am actually hanging in and doing okay.

Time seems to be flying by. It's getting close to being a full year since my angels left this world. I don't even know what I want to do for their day. What do I even call the day? Though I delivered them that day does it still count as their birthday if they were born as angels? I've heard some families refer to it as an angelversary. I feel upset that I don't even know how to refer to March 5th.

I've always been a rather hopeful person. Someone that thinks everything will all work out. Now I know it doesn't. If I'm lucky I will someday still be a mother but I'll never get to be a Mom to my Mariah & Juliette. And I used to agree with people when they used the phrase "everything happens for a reason." When someone now says that phrase to me it takes all my self control to not show my rage and despair... instead I choke out "I'm not sure I agree" and then try to change the subject. I don't believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes things happen for no reason at all. No explanation.

My feelings of jealousy continue to overwhelm me. I hate this feeling. I hate that it can overshadow my happiness for friends and even innocent strangers. I hate being this person. I'm not this person all the time but it comes and goes. All I want to do a lot of the time is cry. I keep it at bay and keep trying to "fake it until I make it". It's good to at least be faking I'm okay because it does keep me going. But it's hard seeing people make it past week 20 and 21 of their pregnancy without issue. Why couldn't that be me? Why couldn't my girls be safe and happy in my arms instead of buried in the cold hard ground? 

Other people who have experienced loss are already well on their way to having their rainbow babies. Why can't I? My age and unexplained infertility issues hurt me and and upset me. I know I am running out of time to have the family I so desperately want.

I'm going to continue trying IVF. According to my doctors I have every reason to believe it can and will work. But I don't know how to feel as I try again. When I first tried again after the girls I wasn't ready to feel hopeful so instead I went in thinking it probably wouldn't work. Then when it didn't work (or technically it worked but I lost it right away) I blamed myself and my negative outlook. When I tried again the second time I was very hopeful. I prayed for a Christmas miracle. I talked to my belly and told Baby Boyle to hang in there and stick around this time. My husband and I even visited the girls' grave to pray for their help. When I lost it again I was devastated. I cried for days. I can't do that to myself again. Either way I lose. 

I have so much in my life. I am an extremely lucky person. I have the most wonderful family, the best friends, a job I love, a dream home to share with my dream husband... but I lost my dream girls at 21 weeks.  They were everything I had dared to hope for and I was only able to hold them in my arms for a few hours. I never got to see them smile. I never got to see their precious eyes look at me. Instead I now pray to them to tell them how much I love them. I pray to my beautiful girls to send their Mommy and Daddy a sibling to have here on earth.