In This Moment - I Give Up

It hurts too much. 

I had another "chemical loss" with my latest try with IVF.

The doctor says I'm doing everything right and that my body is responding well. The embryos for the last two IVF rounds must have been "bad". What does that even mean?

All I know is it is getting harder to breathe.

I am jealous, so jealous it physically hurts, of all the pregnant people in my life and of all the beautiful babies. I am envious and at the same time have tremendous guilt for my feelings. I am happy for all my friends and loved ones but it hurts too - it aches and I can't make it stop.

All I feel is despair over loss after loss.

My dreams just keep slipping through my fingers and it hurts more than I can take.

I can't stop crying this week. I cry alone. In my car. In the closet at work. In bed at night.

I was so hopeful this time around. I was believing in miracles. I was praying to my beautiful girls. I was believing in the magic of the season.

The last two Christmases I was pregnant and hopeful. This Christmas I am left empty.

I am nothing but a broken heart.