Favorite Pictures

Since this summer I have downloaded well over one hundred pictures and quotes on Pinterest that speak to me in my grief. I have added them to My Favorite Pictures page.

 

Safe Haven

This blog is my safe haven. The place I come when I am feeling at my worst. I typically only write when I am having a hard time so please know that on a day-to-day basis I am actually hanging in and doing okay.

Time seems to be flying by. It's getting close to being a full year since my angels left this world. I don't even know what I want to do for their day. What do I even call the day? Though I delivered them that day does it still count as their birthday if they were born as angels? I've heard some families refer to it as an angelversary. I feel upset that I don't even know how to refer to March 5th.

I've always been a rather hopeful person. Someone that thinks everything will all work out. Now I know it doesn't. If I'm lucky I will someday still be a mother but I'll never get to be a Mom to my Mariah & Juliette. And I used to agree with people when they used the phrase "everything happens for a reason." When someone now says that phrase to me it takes all my self control to not show my rage and despair... instead I choke out "I'm not sure I agree" and then try to change the subject. I don't believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes things happen for no reason at all. No explanation.

My feelings of jealousy continue to overwhelm me. I hate this feeling. I hate that it can overshadow my happiness for friends and even innocent strangers. I hate being this person. I'm not this person all the time but it comes and goes. All I want to do a lot of the time is cry. I keep it at bay and keep trying to "fake it until I make it". It's good to at least be faking I'm okay because it does keep me going. But it's hard seeing people make it past week 20 and 21 of their pregnancy without issue. Why couldn't that be me? Why couldn't my girls be safe and happy in my arms instead of buried in the cold hard ground? 

Other people who have experienced loss are already well on their way to having their rainbow babies. Why can't I? My age and unexplained infertility issues hurt me and and upset me. I know I am running out of time to have the family I so desperately want.

I'm going to continue trying IVF. According to my doctors I have every reason to believe it can and will work. But I don't know how to feel as I try again. When I first tried again after the girls I wasn't ready to feel hopeful so instead I went in thinking it probably wouldn't work. Then when it didn't work (or technically it worked but I lost it right away) I blamed myself and my negative outlook. When I tried again the second time I was very hopeful. I prayed for a Christmas miracle. I talked to my belly and told Baby Boyle to hang in there and stick around this time. My husband and I even visited the girls' grave to pray for their help. When I lost it again I was devastated. I cried for days. I can't do that to myself again. Either way I lose. 

I have so much in my life. I am an extremely lucky person. I have the most wonderful family, the best friends, a job I love, a dream home to share with my dream husband... but I lost my dream girls at 21 weeks.  They were everything I had dared to hope for and I was only able to hold them in my arms for a few hours. I never got to see them smile. I never got to see their precious eyes look at me. Instead I now pray to them to tell them how much I love them. I pray to my beautiful girls to send their Mommy and Daddy a sibling to have here on earth.

In This Moment - I Give Up

It hurts too much. 

I had another "chemical loss" with my latest try with IVF.

The doctor says I'm doing everything right and that my body is responding well. The embryos for the last two IVF rounds must have been "bad". What does that even mean?

All I know is it is getting harder to breathe.

I am jealous, so jealous it physically hurts, of all the pregnant people in my life and of all the beautiful babies. I am envious and at the same time have tremendous guilt for my feelings. I am happy for all my friends and loved ones but it hurts too - it aches and I can't make it stop.

All I feel is despair over loss after loss.

My dreams just keep slipping through my fingers and it hurts more than I can take.

I can't stop crying this week. I cry alone. In my car. In the closet at work. In bed at night.

I was so hopeful this time around. I was believing in miracles. I was praying to my beautiful girls. I was believing in the magic of the season.

The last two Christmases I was pregnant and hopeful. This Christmas I am left empty.

I am nothing but a broken heart.

Unanswerable Question

School has been a bit all consuming as of late. Just before Thanksgiving I had my parent-teacher conferences. Most conferences went smoothly and a few were a bit stressful. Overall they were successful and I had positive interactions with parents. Two different parents asked me if I had children. I simply said "No, not yet." Both of the parents then responded that I would make a wonderful parent some day because I am so great with the Kindergarteners in my class.

This interaction made my heart happy and sad all at once. In answering that I didn't have children I felt I was denying my beautiful girls. However, it just didn't seem appropriate to answer that I have angel babies. I didn't want to make the parents uncomfortable and have to explain things and then make it awkward to continue the conference. 

I just don't have a good answer to that question that makes me comfortable. Any answer I give invites pain of some sort and I'd rather not make someone else uncomfortable in the process.

Can't Go Anywhere

I have been having a hard time lately. 

On Pinterest today I found this quote:

"That moment when you

can actually feel the pain

in your chest from seeing

or hearing something that

breaks your heart." 

On some days it doesn't take much. Today I was trying to run some errands, already having a heavy heart, and I saw twin baby girls in a double stroller. My heart broke in a million pieces right there.

I truly hate life right now.  The loss of my beautiful girls along with my struggles with infertility are too much to bear sometimes.

When people tell me that they aren't sure they'll have another baby because it's taking too long the second or third time around I always feel great sympathy. However, that feeling evaporates when "too long" means under six months. Really, that's a "long" time????? I know all things are relative and that it must feel like forever for people who are used to getting pregnant quickly, but it more than bugs me... these days it makes me angry. When people carelessly talk about how they'll never get pregnant again after they've already had one child quickly and it's taking more than a few months the second time - it is upsetting to me. I know it shouldn't upset me so much... but my heart strings are pretty taut right now and my emotions right along with them. I hope my plastic smile doesn't give away how I'm truly feeling.

Please

On a day like today I need to believe this...

The world keeps making it known to me that life is not fair. I get it. I more then get it. But I am no longer strong and I can't take any more so please... just stop.

Enough!

Over and over again I feel like I've reached my breaking point. Yet each new month brings more struggles and heartache.

I just tried IVF again and I had a "chemical loss".

Yet another close friend is pregnant with baby number two for as long as I have been trying to START my family! :( This makes six people in my life that have had or about to have their second child while I've been struggling, miscarrying, and losing my precious baby girls. 

I spent time with my ill grandmother this weekend and she is experiencing unbearable pain from her most recent surgery. She cried a lot and wondered out loud what she had done to deserve her pain. While the rational part of my brain knows this is a terrible and untrue line of thought I find myself wondering the same thing. What have I done in my life to make this so hard?

I am beyond words or tears tonight. The hole in my heart is a big one. I am done with positivity and I don't want to hear one more person tell me that it will happen or that I am meant to be a mother. No one knows that to be true.

I can't take any more loss yet I have to keep trying.