It is an odd place to be right now... my rainbow baby came in early January and I'm overwhelmed with happiness. During my pregnancy I was so scared to be happy. Being in the babyloss community I know the many things that can go wrong. Each week was scary but each week I let myself believe more and more that my dream for a baby might come true this time. Giving birth to my angel girls was such an inexplicable feeling. I knew my Mariah had already passed but I still couldn't wait to hold her and then my heart broke as I realized labor started with Juliette and there was no chance to save her. However I can truly say there were moments of true happiness when I held my baby girls - oh so tiny but completely perfect. At the same time my heart was completely broken and the scars on my heart will always be there. Delivering my rainbow baby was a completely different experience... one still filled with anxiety but also filled with hope and love as I was about to meet my sweet girl.
During the first week with my 'lil baby I had so many different feelings. One night I cried because I was so happy to be holding my baby girl who was living and breathing - I felt so lucky and blessed as I looked at her little face. But I also had feelings of guilt for being so happy when I didn't have my two angels. As the two year angelversary approaches I am hoping to find a way to live better with my two different feelings of overwhelming love and heartbreak and guilt. I will never understand why my body couldn't protect and keep my girls safe and with me.
I am hoping my girls' headstone will be in place in time for their angelversary. It has arrived but due to the weather it might not be placed in time. Hopefully the weather will be decent and I can bring my rainbow baby to meet where her sisters will forever sleep.