Shattered

It is so hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I keep trying the whole "fake it until you make it" mantra... and sometimes I even fool myself for a couple days. Life feels normal. I am my old "happy" self and nothing is wrong. Except it isn't true. Everything is wrong. And I am so tired pretending like everything is fine when it isn't. I lost my girls. I am so desperately unhappy. And I know my pain isn't greater than anyone else's but on a night like tonight I just don't know what to do with it. It is so overwhelming. I can't believe this is my life right now. My worst nightmare actually happened. I was so close to my dream and it turned out so completely wrong. I am broken.

My heart is a million shattered pieces of pain.

I want my girls.

Roses

"...that which we call a rose

By any other name would smell as sweet." 

~Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

The first bloom on one of the two rose bushes that my best friends planted in memory of my beautiful girls. The rose first bloomed yesterday, on Mother's Day. Thank you my Mariah & Juliette!!! What a perfect gift you sent me!! XO XO

My wonderful hubby also surprised me with roses yesterday, along with a sweet card. He made me feel loved, special, and also recognized me as a Mom which meant the world to me. 

I love you, my husband!! XO

My broken heart cried many tears yesterday... sometimes they seem never ending. But loved ones lifted my spirits from morning until night. I received phone calls, texts, facebook messages and emails from family and friends - both old & new. Thank you to everyone who thought of me and recognized me as a Mommy yesterday. It's such a strange new world to navigate as I figure out how I fit in on a day like yesterday. I know for many of us that have angel babies we keep putting one foot in front of the other in order to honor our babies and to honor our future rainbows... and with every step I like to believe we are getting stronger.

Mother's Day

I hate today.

I hate it even more than I thought I would.

Mommy loves you Mariah & Juliette. Mommy loves you!

Blink of an Eye

I really thought this was going to be the best Mother's Day ever in my life... pregnant with my two girls. 

I was catching up on some television this week and on one of my shows they had the most beautiful baby girl. She was cooing and smiling and just so perfectly sweet. The tears just started flowing and I couldn't stop them. I've been around a few babies the last couple months and my heart always aches but this was the first time I cried just looking at a precious baby. What I wanted so much. What I thought would be mine.

Life changes in a blink of an eye... today I am trying to hold on to the words below and pray that they are true.

Never Ending

Sometimes I just want to scream "Will this ever end?!"

I received a phone message from Babies R Us a few weeks ago about my registry and at the time it was easiest to just quickly delete it and do my best to pretend I hadn't heard it. Unfortunately I received another phone message from Babies R Us today that stated they would be following up with me so I knew I had to call back to get them to stop calling. When I called the store the woman I spoke to was very sweet and extremely apologetic because she said I had to call a different number in order to delete my registry to stop any further phone calls. I wasn't too pleased about having to explain things again but I called the new number because I didn't seem to have any other choice. The person I spoke to this time was not so pleasant and I had to explain my situation twice because she said the connection wasn't great and couldn't make out what I said. I was quietly crying by the end of my explanation and I guess the poor woman didn't know how to deal with me so she just asked me for my registry information and then told me my account was deleted. That was that. I'm left feeling empty, devastated, and angry all over again... due to a stupid registry.

A recent episode of Glee introduced me to a song by Kelly Clarkson called CRY. The lyrics in the chorus share exactly what I am feeling today... 

"Is it over yet 

Can I open my eyes

Is this as hard as it gets 

Is this what it feels like to really cry

Cry"

Fourever

My breathtakingly beautiful "Fourever" piece came and I adore my precious little family.

The incredible love that Dana put into my sculpture touches my broken heart. As an artist and a person Dana comforts those of us who have experienced an unbearable loss.

I love my angel girls' delicate pink wings. I also love how they are holding hands... it hurts my heart and heals it at the same time.

This piece will always have a special place in my heart and home. Please check out D. Antonia Truesdale's store on Etsy and you may find something that speaks to your heart. The Midnight Orange