I love my Mariah & Juliette!!! They are a part of me always and I know they are taking care of me and keeping their little sister (due in January) safe and sound where she belongs.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Friday, July 19, 2013
I'm Sorry
I haven't visited my girls in a while. I miss them. But I can't physically bring myself to go there. There are a myriad of reasons why but right now I just want my girls to know that I'm so sorry.
My husband and I have picked out a headstone. It will be pink and in the shape of a heart. We are just figuring out a few of the finer details. We have chosen a small stone so we can't add any words to the stone other than the girls' names and date. We can, however, have lambs and roses on the stone so I'm figuring out the placement and what I like. I want it to be perfect.
It's a little overwhelming in terms of cost. I wish money didn't have to factor in for something like this. You don't get much of a "payment plan" for headstones or from the cemetery to place the headstone. But we're not going to let it stop us from doing what we want for our girls.
I love you, my beautiful girls. I'm so sorry I haven't visited. Though I haven't physically been to the cemetery Mommy holds you in her heart every day. I love you, always.
My husband and I have picked out a headstone. It will be pink and in the shape of a heart. We are just figuring out a few of the finer details. We have chosen a small stone so we can't add any words to the stone other than the girls' names and date. We can, however, have lambs and roses on the stone so I'm figuring out the placement and what I like. I want it to be perfect.
It's a little overwhelming in terms of cost. I wish money didn't have to factor in for something like this. You don't get much of a "payment plan" for headstones or from the cemetery to place the headstone. But we're not going to let it stop us from doing what we want for our girls.
I love you, my beautiful girls. I'm so sorry I haven't visited. Though I haven't physically been to the cemetery Mommy holds you in her heart every day. I love you, always.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
Infertility Week
I haven't been writing lately because I have nothing to say. I'm all tapped out. I'm sad and empty 24/7 and it's tiring.
Below is another good blog post I read describing infertility - click on the link "Can You Imagine?" if you'd like to read.
Can You Imagine?
Below is another good blog post I read describing infertility - click on the link "Can You Imagine?" if you'd like to read.
Can You Imagine?
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Three Strikes...
and I'm out.
I just tried IVF for the third time since I lost my girls and I just got the negative news today, on Easter no less, that I'm not pregnant.
My Faith is broken. I am broken.
I just tried IVF for the third time since I lost my girls and I just got the negative news today, on Easter no less, that I'm not pregnant.
My Faith is broken. I am broken.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
The Pain of Infertility
I came across this link today and it perfectly describes what I'm going through with my husband. I wish I could post this on my Facebook page but my husband and I share many friends and he's much more private than I am so... I will at least post the link here.
The post below is from the man's perspective.
http://ow.ly/jxRu5
The post below is from the man's perspective.
http://ow.ly/jxRu5
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Lost
March 5, 2013
Mariah & Juliette’s 1st Angelversary
I’m at such a loss for today.
My heart is broken. It’s empty. It’s drowning in tears. It
hurts beyond all understanding.
I so miss my beautiful little girls. I miss what should have
been.
I’m so grateful I got to hold them in my arms. Look at their
precious and perfect features. The love I have for my girls has forever changed
me.
But all the things I didn’t get to do completely overwhelm
me. I wanted them more than I could ever express. I will never understand losing
my girls. Their loss has also forever changed me.
My whole life I have wanted a family. I literally couldn't have been happier the day I learned I was having twin girls. I sometimes feel like I was just too happy that day. I was getting everything I ever wanted and maybe it was more than one person deserves.
I pray my girls in heaven can hear me. I hope they know how much I wanted them. How much I love them. How much I miss them every single second of every day. I just want to hold them and love on them so much. I would give anything to turn back time and have things turn out differently.
My whole life I have wanted a family. I literally couldn't have been happier the day I learned I was having twin girls. I sometimes feel like I was just too happy that day. I was getting everything I ever wanted and maybe it was more than one person deserves.
I pray my girls in heaven can hear me. I hope they know how much I wanted them. How much I love them. How much I miss them every single second of every day. I just want to hold them and love on them so much. I would give anything to turn back time and have things turn out differently.
As long as I live you live
As long as I live you will be remembered
As long as I live you will be LOVED!!
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Hell
February 27th is a day I will hate for the rest of my life.
One year ago today my water broke at school.
I was 20 weeks along. I thought I was safe.
My life changed forever.
Whatever I thought had been difficult in my life prior to that day can't hold a candle to what I experienced in the days following February 27th, 2012.
I feel robbed of the life I should be living with my beautiful girls.
I have no words today... I feel empty.
One year ago today my water broke at school.
I was 20 weeks along. I thought I was safe.
My life changed forever.
Whatever I thought had been difficult in my life prior to that day can't hold a candle to what I experienced in the days following February 27th, 2012.
I feel robbed of the life I should be living with my beautiful girls.
I have no words today... I feel empty.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Favorite Pictures
Since this summer I have downloaded well over one hundred pictures and quotes on Pinterest that speak to me in my grief. I have added them to My Favorite Pictures page.
Safe Haven
This blog is my safe haven. The place I come when I am feeling at my worst. I typically only write when I am having a hard time so please know that on a day-to-day basis I am actually hanging in and doing okay.
Time seems to be flying by. It's getting close to being a full year since my angels left this world. I don't even know what I want to do for their day. What do I even call the day? Though I delivered them that day does it still count as their birthday if they were born as angels? I've heard some families refer to it as an angelversary. I feel upset that I don't even know how to refer to March 5th.
I've always been a rather hopeful person. Someone that thinks everything will all work out. Now I know it doesn't. If I'm lucky I will someday still be a mother but I'll never get to be a Mom to my Mariah & Juliette. And I used to agree with people when they used the phrase "everything happens for a reason." When someone now says that phrase to me it takes all my self control to not show my rage and despair... instead I choke out "I'm not sure I agree" and then try to change the subject. I don't believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes things happen for no reason at all. No explanation.
My feelings of jealousy continue to overwhelm me. I hate this feeling. I hate that it can overshadow my happiness for friends and even innocent strangers. I hate being this person. I'm not this person all the time but it comes and goes. All I want to do a lot of the time is cry. I keep it at bay and keep trying to "fake it until I make it". It's good to at least be faking I'm okay because it does keep me going. But it's hard seeing people make it past week 20 and 21 of their pregnancy without issue. Why couldn't that be me? Why couldn't my girls be safe and happy in my arms instead of buried in the cold hard ground?
Other people who have experienced loss are already well on their way to having their rainbow babies. Why can't I? My age and unexplained infertility issues hurt me and and upset me. I know I am running out of time to have the family I so desperately want.
I'm going to continue trying IVF. According to my doctors I have every reason to believe it can and will work. But I don't know how to feel as I try again. When I first tried again after the girls I wasn't ready to feel hopeful so instead I went in thinking it probably wouldn't work. Then when it didn't work (or technically it worked but I lost it right away) I blamed myself and my negative outlook. When I tried again the second time I was very hopeful. I prayed for a Christmas miracle. I talked to my belly and told Baby Boyle to hang in there and stick around this time. My husband and I even visited the girls' grave to pray for their help. When I lost it again I was devastated. I cried for days. I can't do that to myself again. Either way I lose.
I have so much in my life. I am an extremely lucky person. I have the most wonderful family, the best friends, a job I love, a dream home to share with my dream husband... but I lost my dream girls at 21 weeks. They were everything I had dared to hope for and I was only able to hold them in my arms for a few hours. I never got to see them smile. I never got to see their precious eyes look at me. Instead I now pray to them to tell them how much I love them. I pray to my beautiful girls to send their Mommy and Daddy a sibling to have here on earth.
Time seems to be flying by. It's getting close to being a full year since my angels left this world. I don't even know what I want to do for their day. What do I even call the day? Though I delivered them that day does it still count as their birthday if they were born as angels? I've heard some families refer to it as an angelversary. I feel upset that I don't even know how to refer to March 5th.
I've always been a rather hopeful person. Someone that thinks everything will all work out. Now I know it doesn't. If I'm lucky I will someday still be a mother but I'll never get to be a Mom to my Mariah & Juliette. And I used to agree with people when they used the phrase "everything happens for a reason." When someone now says that phrase to me it takes all my self control to not show my rage and despair... instead I choke out "I'm not sure I agree" and then try to change the subject. I don't believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes things happen for no reason at all. No explanation.
My feelings of jealousy continue to overwhelm me. I hate this feeling. I hate that it can overshadow my happiness for friends and even innocent strangers. I hate being this person. I'm not this person all the time but it comes and goes. All I want to do a lot of the time is cry. I keep it at bay and keep trying to "fake it until I make it". It's good to at least be faking I'm okay because it does keep me going. But it's hard seeing people make it past week 20 and 21 of their pregnancy without issue. Why couldn't that be me? Why couldn't my girls be safe and happy in my arms instead of buried in the cold hard ground?
Other people who have experienced loss are already well on their way to having their rainbow babies. Why can't I? My age and unexplained infertility issues hurt me and and upset me. I know I am running out of time to have the family I so desperately want.
I'm going to continue trying IVF. According to my doctors I have every reason to believe it can and will work. But I don't know how to feel as I try again. When I first tried again after the girls I wasn't ready to feel hopeful so instead I went in thinking it probably wouldn't work. Then when it didn't work (or technically it worked but I lost it right away) I blamed myself and my negative outlook. When I tried again the second time I was very hopeful. I prayed for a Christmas miracle. I talked to my belly and told Baby Boyle to hang in there and stick around this time. My husband and I even visited the girls' grave to pray for their help. When I lost it again I was devastated. I cried for days. I can't do that to myself again. Either way I lose.
I have so much in my life. I am an extremely lucky person. I have the most wonderful family, the best friends, a job I love, a dream home to share with my dream husband... but I lost my dream girls at 21 weeks. They were everything I had dared to hope for and I was only able to hold them in my arms for a few hours. I never got to see them smile. I never got to see their precious eyes look at me. Instead I now pray to them to tell them how much I love them. I pray to my beautiful girls to send their Mommy and Daddy a sibling to have here on earth.
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