Hurting

I have been away longer than I expected. I went away for a couple weeks and had a good vacation. Every day kept me very busy and right now those kinds of days are definitely the best. While I was away the original due date of my beautiful girls passed by. When I returned I wanted to do something special at their grave. However I have only been able to go once and I only stayed for a few minutes. I am overwhelmed with my grief and I am doing everything I can to keep it bottled up and not have it spill over. I am sick of being sad. I am sick of always being on the verge of tears. I love my girls more than I can say but sometimes I wish none of this had ever happened because living with the day to day sadness is tiring. I do have happy days. I am not trying to say I am never not happy because that isn't true. But the pain is always there and as much as I try to deny it I can't make it go away. I wish I could because I'm so tired of hurting.