Difficult Day

At some point I plan on blogging about my cherished girls' funeral but I think I will need some time before I can write about that painful day. We had the funeral within a week of losing my Mariah & Juliette and though I thought I had already lived through the most agonizing day of my life, saying goodbye to my girls and seeing their tiny casket was truly more than I could bear.

Today was a regular day at school and I always enjoy my students. Time truly flies when you teach Kindergarten because 25 five/six year olds really know how to keep you on your toes! However, after school I had a committee meeting along with a wonderful co-worker of mine who happens to be due close to the same time I was due. Prior to losing my girls this co-worker and I would check in with each other in the mornings and keep tabs on how we were feeling as we passed each other in the hallway. Ever since I returned to school she has respectfully kept her distance and though we have spoken and I still see her briefly in the hallways - we haven't spent any significant time together. As I went to the meeting I didn't think twice about seeing my co-worker at the meeting. However, when she walked in I lost my breath. She looked so cute in her maternity dress with her ever growing belly and a feeling of complete loss washed over me as I looked down at my own stomach which should be full and round with my girls. Instead I had nothing. I tried to stifle my feelings and focus on the meeting at hand but as the meeting went on I was feeling worse and worse. I could barely concentrate and as soon as the meeting was over I practically flew out of the room. I'm sure the other teachers wondered what my problem was because they all stayed behind and chatted. I ran to my classroom and threw my things together and left. I drove straight to the cemetery and cried the whole way there.

It didn't take long to get to my girls because I live close by my school and my girls are buried in a cemetery just down the street from my home. I got to their grave and dropped to my knees and sobbed. I sobbed because I wanted more than anything for my girls to still be inside me and not in the ground. I sobbed because I wanted my girls - I wanted to experience the joy of delivering them alive. I wanted hugs and kisses. I even sobbed at how I was never going to get to watch them go to Prom. This morning on the radio the DJs were talking about Prom and how expensive it is today. I listened to a Mom talking about her daughter and she had a catch in her throat as she talked about how she'd do anything to make her daughter have the most perfect Prom ever. I felt my chest constrict as I listened to that Mom this morning but I buried my sorrow and as I arrived to school I busied myself with the day ahead. However, now, kneeling by my girls I let it all out. I'm not sure how long I was there or how long I was doubled over in agony. I told my girls I was sorry - so sorry that my body didn't keep better care of them and keep them where they belonged. I told them I wanted them so much and I wished they were with me... something I tell them almost every time I visit. I love my girls and have many tokens I wear in remembrance of them that dear family and friends have given me. I treasure these necklaces and bracelets and am grateful to have them on as a constant recognition of my girls and that I will never forget them. They are always, ALWAYS, in my heart. But on a day like today nothing comforts me and I left my girls' grave site with empty arms and what feels like a forever broken heart.