In This Moment - I Give Up

It hurts too much. 

I had another "chemical loss" with my latest try with IVF.

The doctor says I'm doing everything right and that my body is responding well. The embryos for the last two IVF rounds must have been "bad". What does that even mean?

All I know is it is getting harder to breathe.

I am jealous, so jealous it physically hurts, of all the pregnant people in my life and of all the beautiful babies. I am envious and at the same time have tremendous guilt for my feelings. I am happy for all my friends and loved ones but it hurts too - it aches and I can't make it stop.

All I feel is despair over loss after loss.

My dreams just keep slipping through my fingers and it hurts more than I can take.

I can't stop crying this week. I cry alone. In my car. In the closet at work. In bed at night.

I was so hopeful this time around. I was believing in miracles. I was praying to my beautiful girls. I was believing in the magic of the season.

The last two Christmases I was pregnant and hopeful. This Christmas I am left empty.

I am nothing but a broken heart.

Unanswerable Question

School has been a bit all consuming as of late. Just before Thanksgiving I had my parent-teacher conferences. Most conferences went smoothly and a few were a bit stressful. Overall they were successful and I had positive interactions with parents. Two different parents asked me if I had children. I simply said "No, not yet." Both of the parents then responded that I would make a wonderful parent some day because I am so great with the Kindergarteners in my class.

This interaction made my heart happy and sad all at once. In answering that I didn't have children I felt I was denying my beautiful girls. However, it just didn't seem appropriate to answer that I have angel babies. I didn't want to make the parents uncomfortable and have to explain things and then make it awkward to continue the conference. 

I just don't have a good answer to that question that makes me comfortable. Any answer I give invites pain of some sort and I'd rather not make someone else uncomfortable in the process.

Can't Go Anywhere

I have been having a hard time lately. 

On Pinterest today I found this quote:

"That moment when you

can actually feel the pain

in your chest from seeing

or hearing something that

breaks your heart." 

On some days it doesn't take much. Today I was trying to run some errands, already having a heavy heart, and I saw twin baby girls in a double stroller. My heart broke in a million pieces right there.

I truly hate life right now.  The loss of my beautiful girls along with my struggles with infertility are too much to bear sometimes.

When people tell me that they aren't sure they'll have another baby because it's taking too long the second or third time around I always feel great sympathy. However, that feeling evaporates when "too long" means under six months. Really, that's a "long" time????? I know all things are relative and that it must feel like forever for people who are used to getting pregnant quickly, but it more than bugs me... these days it makes me angry. When people carelessly talk about how they'll never get pregnant again after they've already had one child quickly and it's taking more than a few months the second time - it is upsetting to me. I know it shouldn't upset me so much... but my heart strings are pretty taut right now and my emotions right along with them. I hope my plastic smile doesn't give away how I'm truly feeling.

Please

On a day like today I need to believe this...

The world keeps making it known to me that life is not fair. I get it. I more then get it. But I am no longer strong and I can't take any more so please... just stop.

Enough!

Over and over again I feel like I've reached my breaking point. Yet each new month brings more struggles and heartache.

I just tried IVF again and I had a "chemical loss".

Yet another close friend is pregnant with baby number two for as long as I have been trying to START my family! :( This makes six people in my life that have had or about to have their second child while I've been struggling, miscarrying, and losing my precious baby girls. 

I spent time with my ill grandmother this weekend and she is experiencing unbearable pain from her most recent surgery. She cried a lot and wondered out loud what she had done to deserve her pain. While the rational part of my brain knows this is a terrible and untrue line of thought I find myself wondering the same thing. What have I done in my life to make this so hard?

I am beyond words or tears tonight. The hole in my heart is a big one. I am done with positivity and I don't want to hear one more person tell me that it will happen or that I am meant to be a mother. No one knows that to be true.

I can't take any more loss yet I have to keep trying.

Six Months

Today, September 5, six months have passed since my little ones were born as angels.

I can’t believe I lost my beautiful girls six months ago. It doesn’t seem right that life just seems to keep marching on. Most of the time I feel like I am playing a part in a play. I keep hoping that one of these days life will feel real again.

So many songs hurt me now. But none more than when “Without You” (David Guetta featuring Usher) comes on the radio. If that seems like a weird song – it is – in a way.  There is a bit of a dance vibe to parts of the song – but the rest is slow and the lyrics hit home. My girls were born on a Monday night. I went home with empty arms and heart on Wednesday evening. Saturday morning was my girls’ funeral. I woke up before anyone else in the house and had to make a run out to CVS for pantyhose. As I drove home I turned on the radio and “Without You” came on. I cried like there was no tomorrow. I pulled in the garage and just sat there and sobbed along to the song.  I couldn’t believe this day was real. Was I really going to have to bury the girls I thought Brendan and I were going to get to raise and love and cherish all of our lives? 

“I can't win, I can't reign
I will never win this game
Without you, without you
I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you

I won't run, I won't fly
I will never make it by
Without you, without you
I can't rest, I can't fight
All I need is you and I,
Without you, without you

Can't erase, so I'll take blame
But I can't accept that we're estranged
Without you, without you
I can't quit now, this can't be right
I can't take one more sleepless night
Without you, without you

I won't soar, I won't climb
If you're not here, I'm paralyzed
Without you, without you
I can't look, I'm so blind
I lost my heart, I lost my mind
Without you, without you

I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you
Without... you”

After the song ended I did my best to pull myself together and walk into the house to officially get started on the day.

The few days I had been home from the hospital had not only been painful emotionally but also very painful physically. I hadn’t expected my milk to come in and that brought so much discomfort.  It also brought even more distress that my body was producing something for my babies that I couldn’t give them. My body had betrayed me in so many ways yet it slapped me in the face by producing milk. It wasn’t fair.

A very good friend loaned me her black maternity dress for the day of the funeral. I wore a pink scarf and pink heart earrings in honor of my little girls. I also bought an angel pin for my coat. It was a very cold, cold March day. I just wanted it to be over already. My parents and my one sister and her husband were staying with us. My husband’s parents and brother and sister-in-law joined us that morning and we all drove over. The cemetery is literally two streets away from our house. My husband’s best friend since childhood and his wife (my sweet friend who loaned me her dress) joined us there – they had done all the work to help us find the cemetery and funeral home when we were in the hospital.  

The Monsignor walked across the street from the Church and met us at the gravesite. Sitting there was the smallest white casket. Two lambs were pictured on the casket along with my girls’ names. Inside the casket I had asked the funeral director to place two small stuffed lambs with the girls. Two letters had also been placed inside that my husband and I had written.

As I stood there looking at the casket the service began. Tears started coming and then all I remember is barely being able to breathe or stand. My husband and my Mom propped me up on either side and my Dad rubbed my back. All I could do was cry and stare at that damn casket that held my girls instead of me. Why were my girls going into the ground instead of being inside me where they belonged? I barely remember a word of the service because I couldn’t stop heaving and couldn’t hear the Monsignor over my own ragged sobs. I tried to stop because I wanted to remember the words the Monsignor was saying. But I couldn’t. I could barely stand. Then it was over. Then I had to lay little pink roses on top of their casket and walk away. I had to leave them and know they were going into the cold hard ground. 

Giving birth to angels on the previous Monday was pain beyond what I can describe. However, I also experienced great love and wonder as I held my girls in my arms and looked over their beautiful features. Recognizing my husband and myself in them. Counting their tiny perfect fingers and toes. When I left the hospital without my girls two days later it was another awful pain. Knowing that wasn’t how it was supposed to be. But the actual funeral was the darkest and worst moments of losing my babies. I was leaving them in the ground. I was having to say good-bye.

All I can do is pray that I will be with them again someday in Heaven. I cannot wait to hold them in my arms again and tell them how much I love them. How much I have always loved them. I want to kiss their sweet cheeks and just snuggle them forever. I pray for that day more than I can ever begin to express. 

Mommy loves you, sweet angels. xxoo

Hurting

I have been away longer than I expected. I went away for a couple weeks and had a good vacation. Every day kept me very busy and right now those kinds of days are definitely the best. While I was away the original due date of my beautiful girls passed by. When I returned I wanted to do something special at their grave. However I have only been able to go once and I only stayed for a few minutes. I am overwhelmed with my grief and I am doing everything I can to keep it bottled up and not have it spill over. I am sick of being sad. I am sick of always being on the verge of tears. I love my girls more than I can say but sometimes I wish none of this had ever happened because living with the day to day sadness is tiring. I do have happy days. I am not trying to say I am never not happy because that isn't true. But the pain is always there and as much as I try to deny it I can't make it go away. I wish I could because I'm so tired of hurting.