Approaching Two Years...

It is an odd place to be right now... my rainbow baby came in early January and I'm overwhelmed with happiness. During my pregnancy I was so scared to be happy. Being in the babyloss community I know the many things that can go wrong. Each week was scary but each week I let myself believe more and more that my dream for a baby might come true this time. Giving birth to my angel girls was such an inexplicable feeling. I knew my Mariah had already passed but I still couldn't wait to hold her and then my heart broke as I realized labor started with Juliette and there was no chance to save her. However I can truly say there were moments of true happiness when I held my baby girls - oh so tiny but completely perfect. At the same time my heart was completely broken and the scars on my heart will always be there. Delivering my rainbow baby was a completely different experience... one still filled with anxiety but also filled with hope and love as I was about to meet my sweet girl.

During the first week with my 'lil baby I had so many different feelings. One night I cried because I was so happy to be holding my baby girl who was living and breathing - I felt so lucky and blessed as I looked at her little face. But I also had feelings of guilt for being so happy when I didn't have my two angels. As the two year angelversary approaches I am hoping to find a way to live better with my two different feelings of overwhelming love and heartbreak and guilt. I will never understand why my body couldn't protect and keep my girls safe and with me.

I am hoping my girls' headstone will be in place in time for their angelversary. It has arrived but due to the weather it might not be placed in time. Hopefully the weather will be decent and I can bring my rainbow baby to meet where her sisters will forever sleep.

Babyloss Remembrance Day

I love my Mariah & Juliette!!! They are a part of me always and I know they are taking care of me and keeping their little sister (due in January) safe and sound where she belongs.

I'm Sorry

I haven't visited my girls in a while. I miss them. But I can't physically bring myself to go there. There are a myriad of reasons why but right now I just want my girls to know that I'm so sorry.

My husband and I have picked out a headstone. It will be pink and in the shape of a heart. We are just figuring out a few of the finer details. We have chosen a small stone so we can't add any words to the stone other than the girls' names and date. We can, however, have lambs and roses on the stone so I'm figuring out the placement and what I like. I want it to be perfect. 

It's a little overwhelming in terms of cost. I wish money didn't have to factor in for something like this. You don't get much of a "payment plan" for headstones or from the cemetery to place the headstone. But we're not going to let it stop us from doing what we want for our girls.

I love you, my beautiful girls. I'm so sorry I haven't visited. Though I haven't physically been to the cemetery Mommy holds you in her heart every day. I love you, always.

Happy Mother's Day

Infertility Week

I haven't been writing lately because I have nothing to say. I'm all tapped out. I'm sad and empty 24/7 and it's tiring.

Below is another good blog post I read describing infertility - click on the link "Can You Imagine?" if you'd like to read.

Can You Imagine?

Three Strikes...

and I'm out.

I just tried IVF for the third time since I lost my girls and I just got the negative news today, on Easter no less, that I'm not pregnant. 

My Faith is broken. I am broken.

The Pain of Infertility

I came across this link today and it perfectly describes what I'm going through with my husband. I wish I could post this on my Facebook page but my husband and I share many friends and he's much more private than I am so... I will at least post the link here. 

The post below is from the man's perspective.

http://ow.ly/jxRu5